A Working Mill

In St. Helena. I got some Polenta.

Update

I am going to make a post here so that I can keep this blog alive until I export all my writings here.

Strange, people used to journal in books, on paper bound. I did. Now all my mental crapolitta ends up here on the web.

thanks for taking your time to observe them.

cowabunga kringle...

harbor light festival ~ 2007

Waiting for a Ride

I love the winter waves of Southern California. Surf really picks up this time of year. There is nothing that stirs my soul more than the sound of pounding surf. The best pounding surf I have heard is the beach in Carmel. I haven't been to Hawaii... yet.

Mistake, but not

taken Halloween night.

pumpkinee...

gotta love the camera at the pumpkin patch. booyea...

ReWorked

Been doing an online tutorial of Photoshop CS2. I love it. This may have been published before, but it was a perfect candidate for one of the lessons.

amazing what a few steps will do to change a picture. I love the effect.

Penguins

Tried to capture them from the underwater viewing area. Camera has too much of a delay. dangit.

Mayor of Munchkin City

Orchid

This isn't a good picture, but the orchid is amazing.

Favorite Feet

some of my favorite people's tootsies!

Butterfly Exhibit

lovely day at the museum.

The Raft

i didn't have my nikon with me. just the point and shoot. fun times.

The Beautiful People.

Friend & Son

Night Lights

glow sticks and a long exposure.

Dancing Duo

they were so dang CUTE together... sighs. its hard to see him grow up so fast!

toes

I need some NEW sandals. :wink:

Sea Center

We went to the Sea Center while my parents are here. They have magnifying portholes in front of the anemones. cool, huh?

Lil Toot!

Come to Santa Barbara and take the ferry shuttle called the Lil'Toot. They also have a Pirate shuttle. heh.

Mini Tree

I was passing my parking lot, and I looked down as to not step on these pipes, that are left over from the past. Out of this 1.5" off the ground was a mini tree. Nature is amazing no?

Wednesday Night

These ducks at Alice Keck Park were talking to each other. The male was barking the entire time at the female. She only barked once. It was really interesting to watch.

This park is 3 blocks from my apartment. I love going there with Austin. And on Wednesdays, there is a group of acoustic players picking bluegrass style music.




There is even an older man who plays the string jug, and hands out balloons to the kids.

Eat At Joes

Its not a stunning image, just something I wanted to post, because my fathers name is Joe. That is why I took the picture.

Smiles

smiles
Originally uploaded by memsahib 313.

My eye was really bloodshot that morning. Forgot to wash off my mascara. The kid was loving this though.

Fuzzy Art

taken at a show next door to my apartment. I can't wait for summer in Santa Barbara.

orange

these flowers were amazing. i couldn't even tell you the name of them.

popsicle

It wasn't that hot, but he wanted Ice Cream. I suggested a Jolly Rancher popsicle. We were at the zoo enjoying the day.

Let's Go to Malibu

i took this Thanksgiving 2006 in Malibu. enjoy!

Santa B.

Spent Saturday outside, cookout with friends. Such fun. This was my capture of the sun setting on our little family outing.

love you guys! more times like these please. :huggs:

bigger...

Napa

I went to visit my sis in St Helena this weekend to celebrate my birthday. Now all up and down the state, along the freeways, you see and smell mustard flowers. This field was an amazing site. I had to take some pix. Hope you enjoy them.

The Wiltern Theater

wiltern
Originally uploaded by mem_313.

As many of you know, I love Patty G. Took this shot of the sign outside the concert last night.

it was amazing.

Mirror Mirror

I worked so hard at getting me out of the picture, but alas. there she is! :wink:

Kinetic Energy ~

Lucky shot. This truly captures a body in motion.

Fountain

Not a great image, but I dreamt about water and sex all night long! woke up with this photo on my mind. enjoy.

Tired

Someone is very sleepy in his new jammies.
That is the Bozo punching bag in the back ground. Do you remember those?

A Tower Image

He was having a blast playing hide and seek. :wink:

Infatuated Girl

She kept looking at me and looking at me. I had to take her picture.

the train

the train at the zoo. we sat in the very last car. I thought this was a wonderful view. I think the kid would have prefered to face forward. Next time.

Thinking of making this my PHoto Blog...

So... stay tuned. My camera is sh*t, but i still am going to take images with it. and since I can't sign onto flikr for a pro account since i dont have a credit card, and my debit card was pirated, this will be the posting sight!

i guess...

more to come...

UPDATE~ I have moved!

Blogger Beta an bite me on the noodley appendage! I have moved to a blogger site where people can comment. HERE IS MY NEW BLOG:

Not Just Nouns and Verbs...

will keep this around in case of more blogger shenanigans... but for now, i am revamping and pushing forward.

movin movin movin... :whistles:

trying VOX

I dont know if it is going to be better. And i will still post entries here from time to time. may be a repeat on both sites.

noodle me this

check me out in my new home... as in my last post here, i am sick of not being able to use blogger. dont plan on leaving here permanently as of yet. but am interested in possibilities.

join in the fun. :wink:

DaGUMMMMM!!!!!!!!!

Okay dear readers. Dont be dissmayed. I have been visiting and reading your blogs. But i can't post to them, since i am not allowed to go back to my original blog on blogger. I have been assimilated into the Blogger BETA! EEEEEKKKKKKKKKK.

be warned. there will be an infulx of opinion upon my return. In the meantime i am going to head out and see if i can find a more serendipidous spot to spew the mental diarrhea.

a nice little wedding weekend blog with photos to be produced as soon as i download the pics.

TTFN!

:whistle's while she works:

Its Labor Day Weekend!

Quoted from the U.S. Dept. of Labor:

The first Monday in September, is a creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers. It constitutes a yearly national tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of our country.

Some records show that Peter J. McGuire, general secretary of the Brotherhood of Carpenters and Joiners and a cofounder of the American Federation of Labor, was first in suggesting a day to honor those "who from rude nature have delved and carved all the grandeur we behold."

The first state bill was introduced into the New York legislature, but the first to become law was passed by Oregon on February 21, 1887. During the year four more states — Colorado, Massachusetts, New Jersey, and New York — created the Labor Day holiday by legislative enactment. By the end of the decade Connecticut, Nebraska, and Pennsylvania had followed suit. By 1894, 23 other states had adopted the holiday in honor of workers, and on June 28 of that year, Congress passed an act making the first Monday in September of each year a legal holiday in the District of Columbia and the territories.

The vital force of labor added materially to the highest standard of living and the greatest production the world has ever known and has brought us closer to the realization of our traditional ideals of economic and political democracy. It is appropriate, therefore, that the nation pay tribute on Labor Day to the creator of so much of the nation's strength, freedom, and leadership — the American worker.

_______________________________ That's the definition.

All praises to another three day weekend! or can we make it four? Because those family get togethers on Labor Day require one day of rest following. I'm tellin ya. The beauty of this holiday is that everyone can enjoy it! its dedicated to those of us who make other people rich. so... while the fat cats we suck up to are lapping it up at the resort, we are rejoicing in the richness of family and friends. Combined with smoked meats, cold cold beers, and rowdy disagreements over the topics we shouldnt approach, such as politics, religion, and who is sleeping with whom. And best of all? Finding the group you really mesh with, that you can call names and they still love ya! even more sometimes.

So lets raise a glass
to the working classes,

May they always have cold beer,
and rose colored glasses,

May their children be smarter,
and more successful than most

May they have long healthy lives
full of love, thats my toast!

Here's to us good pholkes. We deserve these days off in our lives. Safe travels to all. Come back with pictures and stories.

I am off to the wine country for a wedding. Be well. Make memories.

What If...

Not much to say this morning so...


I wish i was independantly wealthy, because then i could...


finish the statement. and have fun with it.

Sorry - Post Removed

I had a blog up about a subject that was really irritating me yesterday. But today, I decided that I dont want to perpetuate this feeling anymore. I have to let go and forgive or move on.

The decision is still in the air. I hope that the other person realizes what has been lost. And that it will work its way out somehow. I am not counting on anything anymore. Just taking it one minute at a time. Until this storm has passed.

All i can say is that if i dont get flowers or chocolate, its history! :giggles:

Sleep, i miss you.

Dear Sleep,

Its been years! i mean i remember like it was yesterday that i could enjoy you for 8 hours or more at a time. Now i am lucky if we get to spend 4 hours together at one time. Have you abandoned me for a younger prettier woman? What will it take to get you to come back to me?

I dont like prescription drugs, but if that is what you want, i will try. anything. even excercise doesnt seem to be helping much. i miss you sleep. i hope that the "other woman" is happy with you. but please consider coming home.

much too tired to make sense... memsahib.

A-sloth-like-me

I have to say that the ole brain is starting to loose its shine. i feel tired most of the time. And disconnected from the reality i am forced to deal with. I don't want to work, or design anything.

what is going on!? i am attributing it to a lack of sleep, and sexual activity. Because I am getting plenty of food. YIKES...

Has my self esteem finally taken a permanent vacation? guess I should contact the local experts on that one. I obviously don't have a grip on too much today. or yesterday! I used to be the life of the party. Now I feel like the party is going on and I am sitting in the closet yelling SHUT UP!

EVALUATION TIME! steps back to take stock of her blessings. Time to clear the table and start over. again. :sighs:

whining over. back to the laughter portion of this day. :wink:

An Oldie, but a Goodie

This is a poem I wrote last summer about this time, bees have it, birds have it I found while digging around in the archives today.

I love blogging, and have been away from it for a while, trying to raise a bambino. That is a tiring job, being a mom.

anyway. enjoy the words... they are smokin. i was infatuated at the time. seems that he was my muse, as i havent written nearly as much good poetry since. but don't despair. I have it in me. I just need to start working them out again.

happy wednesday to you troops. cyber salute.

Incense

I am out.
I need more.
Where do i find Nag Champa in SB?

*goes in search of her scent*

My Hawaiian Name - for fun

Your Hawaiian Name is:

Peni Anani

What's your Hawaiian Name?

A birthday boy

Three years ago, Aug. 16th, contractions started at 12:30 am. I though it was gas. Gas that woke me up every hour on the hour. :wink: So the next morning, i drove myself to the hospital, and at 6:36 on 8-16-03, A.J. had arrived. He was early. And he had to be revived, for reasons not to be discussed here. It was the longest three or four mins of my life. So on Wed - Sat of this week, we celebrated!



On his actual day, we went to the Pizza Parlour, where he had his "grown-up" party. Mommy made grown up party favors. And a birthday cake that Austin picked out from the boxes on the shelves at albertsons. He got great gifts. Some playdoh, to be saved for a rainy day this winter. A "Lightening McQueen" t-shirt, and the best of all... a ukelele.




On Friday night, auntie came to visit bringing more new clothes. She was happy to see her little nephew... and he was happy to get more "dirt-day" presents. :wink:


And on Saturday, He got his tricycle! and man, it is COOL! as you can see, equiped for some serious road traveling. mommy even stepped on the deck and took er for a spin... with him on the seat so he could feel the power of being mobile. and look, it comes with a bell. the coolest feature of course. Nothing like an old fashioned tricycle to remind you of childhood.


so there it is. after a few years of struggle and upheavel we are more settled. And we had a semi traditional birthday. He is still saying "happy dirt-day" cake. Strangely the ritual of singing Happy Birthday and blowing out the candles was his favorite thing. And that is a fact. What a great kid. ready for road... :brrrriing: :brrrrriiing: mommy loves the bicycle bell too.

Austin says thanks to his family and friends for wishing him a wonderful birthday.

Damn Fire Walls

So sad news. I have been fire walled from my favorite website Radio Paradise, but life must go on.

I have to admit that I am shaking a little not being able to talk to my online friends. I know I can reach them in the evenings. But still. Not the same as being able to take a little break at work to peek in on some great laughs and great people.

For those of you that are not familiar with this internet radio station and you appreciate good music, this is the one. Eclectic, diverse, guaranteed to introduce you to new music on a daily basis. Not to mention a damn fine internet community that takes care of its own. NO TROLLS ALLOWED. (they can be spotted a mile off :wink:)

I hope you guys know how much i will miss joking around with you during the day. But see you in the late shift for sure.

And the ultimate bummer? I can't even listen to the station either. Goes to the Roku site to check on getting a SoundBridge Network Music Player.

I am off to find an inexpensive laptop with wireless connection to bring to work, and prove my ulitmate addiction to RP. TTFN.

One of his Gifts...

Was a ukelele... I was hoping he would get one. Cool to watch him get excited about having his own little guitar, as he calls it. Its not an expensive one, and its totally out of tune, but he loves it! Future wanna be rock-star! Or maybe the next "Dylan-eske". I am hoping for the latter.

Yea. He took it to bed with him last night. Wouldn't let go of it. Pictures to come on the full length birthday blog sometime this weekend. All kinds of surprises in store.


"Won't you tip-toe through the tulips with me."

What a SLACKER!

I have been such a slacker the last few months. I will look for any excuse to distract myself from responsibility or real engagment in my life. I am tired. I dont know if it is low grade depression, serious lack of interest, being overweight, or what it could be. I am glad the weather is getting better, maybe that will spark some enthusiasm. who knows. Most days I would just rather be doing absolutely nothing, other than doing anything. has to be depression. sighs.

Any who, the little man's birthday is tomorrow and I at least have his present's ready. With more to come this weekend. Check for the blog about that on Sunday or Monday! :cool:

and thats all fholkes! *off to buy some party favors, and bake a little cake*

A Visitor

Its time. I am nervous. I am anxious. I am excited. And this is meant to happen. :yipppeeee:

I will be out for a week, having fun, and my computer will be in the shop. It has a glitch in the power supply I think. Its under warranty, so now is the time to have the computer looked at, when I won't be using it.

Hugs to all. Good vibes to all. See you when my computer comes back. And me with stories to tell.

vaya con dios amigos.

It is as It is

Oh, to live on Sugar Mountain
With the barkers and the colored balloons,
You can't be twenty on Sugar Mountain
Though you're thinking that
you're leaving there too soon,
You're leaving there too soon.

It's so noisy at the fair
But all your friends are there
And the candy floss you had
And your mother and your dad.

Oh, to live on Sugar Mountain
With the barkers and the colored balloons,
You can't be twenty on Sugar Mountain
Though you're thinking that
you're leaving there too soon,
You're leaving there too soon.

There's a girl just down the aisle,
Oh, to turn and see her smile.
You can hear the words she wrote
As you read the hidden note.

by Mr. Neil Young... :smile:

There are a few more stanzas here, but this says enough. Sometimes things happen to you without your thoughts or control being involved. This is more than a beautiful thing. And when it does, its nice to sit back and appreciate the serendipity of it. I am a woman that draws life to her. I have always had that and can finally understand its impact on life. Life is grand. Now dont get me wrong, i fuck up on a daily basis. In full color. And to be honest!? Its such a relief to finally understand my self inflicted limitations.

After a conversation with an older cousin today (have i mentioned how really cool my family is?), plus a relaxing and engaging conversation with a new and permanent good friend (that is coming to visit me next week) I realized again that life offers us what we desire if we allow its happening. Nothing more, nothing less. Even as we struggle with the conflicts of the illusion we are in control, we know who are our real family is. the people who allow us to be ourselves. and remind us when we are making asses of ourselves.

i do believe in god. but the definition of that entity eludes me. the only thing i do know is that i have been gifted with visions i could never create myself. creatures and colors that continue to amaze. gifts from unexpected places. and learning in my lifetime that if i open myself up to the possibilities, I am the one that realizes and benefits. and that is a ripple in a pretty big pond.

sighs. why do i write these seemingly self indulgent entries? i hope that someday someone will understand all this about themselves. we have choices people. make sure that the number one choice is YOUR OWN LIFE.

like they say on the plane, place your oxygen mask on first before helping your offspring... can i get an amen from the bobbleheads? :lol:

Cha Cha Cha Cha Changes...

Okay Piss and Moan.

I changed the template, cuz i had some complainers. Now i lost all my links to blogs... D*mn computers.


It will be a few days before i can redo that list. but will give me a chance to put in some new ones as well.

please stay tuned...

Yawns. Siesta time...

In the summertime, at around 3pm, no matter what I have eaten, not eaten, and no matter how much sleep I have had, i get tired!!! I am having a hard time keeping my eyes open right now. and coffee will not do the trick... tried that. dagum...

sighs. oh well. lays her head on her desk.... drools.

Listen to your heart

How hard is it? Its not. Its easy. You either care about someone or you don't. Its not about manners, its not about possesion, it's not about control. It's about giving. Today, I realized that I am a giver. Or should it be said, I rediscovered that point. I am sick of dry well relationships. Dont get me wrong, I have people in my life that continue to give, and that is beautiful. And I apologize to those I truly owe gratitude too and have not given it. If I have not reciprocated my appreciation to you, I will try to correct that swiftly.

Too many years have passed into history with my disdain and apathy. Let me follow a more true path to enlightening myself of the worth of gratitude. I have seen how the lack of it has affected my soul and I am sad.

I can change this and I will. Thanks for the support friends. As you have always supported me. with love. the greatest gift to man.

Five Things

Thanks to michelle, I have a meme. And away we go..

In my fridge:
String cheese and yogurt for the toddler
Sweet Pickles, Sugar Free Bread and Butter to be exact
Frozen French Fries, also for the toddler
Hard Boiled Eggs, for green salads and egg salad
Brita Pitcher of cold water, the one thing i will never do without

In my closet:
Guitar - borrowed
Chinese Party Lanterns still in the box
Clothes some that fit some that dont
Suitcases
A broken epson printer

In my wallet (or purse for women):
Diapers and Wipes
Pad of paper and a PURPLE pen - you never know.
Contact Lens supplies
Cell Phone
Blistex

In my car/truck:
Ball and Bat- foam covered.
Stroller
Kite - still in the package
PostIt notes - I cant remember much anymore. have to post it.
Car Seat

Five people I am tagging:
Anyone who feels that they would like to have a five things list.
I am not sure who hasnt been tagged.
dave
cyber bro
indelibra

Faith

I have rediscovered my need for faith. In myself and in someone else. I have gotten closer to a center and I would like to stay there. The unknown is not scary. Its the thoughts we fill it with that can terrorize.

The times it gets difficult is when I am home alone, late at night. No one there but the child. No adult to talk to, be with, breath with. I dont think its something I want all the time, but once in a while, I miss the physical contact of the breath and lips upon my body. As for now, I have to accept things as they are and be patient. And keep the fires of faith burning that the universe has heard my request. And is in the process of delivering. Hopefully not ten minutes before I croak. LOL

I have someone online that I connect with. It offers me great comfort and peace to be with this person. When he is gone I feel even more alone. Online relationships are a great test of faith. Somedays, I am seriously lacking anything to hold onto, and I fall apart. Lose my faith in his words. Its human nature to have moments of weakness and doubt. No one should be punished or judged for it. I just wish I could learn to keep my thoughts in my own realm, journaling or blogging. But sometimes that is not the case. Saying what you feel outloud is cathartic, and sometimes the only way to see what a crock of manifested insecure crap your mind is telling you! And sometimes its the direct voice of the truth. A beacon to shine on what you are hiding from yourself. Like i said I am not perfect. Nor would i ever want to be. What a BORE! And I truly thought he would accept me as I am. He was the first person that allowed me the hope of not having to be perfect and be loved for who I am. But we will see. Day to day. Faith.

And as the new day starts, I have to climb back into my boat and head out to sea. Seeking signs and wisdoms that will keep me on this path to finding true happiness. Because that is what everyone deserves. And something I believe in. Happiness.

And a big sack of money every once in a while wouldnt hurt either! you know, gotta have the essentials. like plane tickets, baseball games, kids toys, hair color, and really top quality toilet paper! :lol:

i'm tellin ya... :wink:

Am I

Living my life, or is my life living me? Tonight I am pondering if I am actually involved in this progress. Seems, even though I made that prestigas post about goals, I let life live through me. And to be honest, i do so appreciate seeing life unfold as opposed to dictating it. But... (a line i used to give my friends starting in college, when people would say chicken butt, i would say big butt, elephant butt.) does it serve me to allow life to take its course? here is the outline my head tells me.

I get to be spontanious. good in an adventurous way.
I get to see things as they truly manifest. and wow, isnt that the best? sighs. oh yea.
I get true experience! some call it fly by the seat of your pants. :rolls her eyes: so?
I get the things I know the universe has meant for me to have. and not the other way around.
I get to feel the earth move under my feet, :whistles:

but in the process, i get behind on the things that NEED to be addressed. Some call me naive, my mom for one. Some call me irresponsible, those that dont know me. Some say, how can you live without a safety net? i call them the partisans of the church of the impending doom. I dont know. What i am is a woman who grew up under "the beacon of shame" and lived to tell a fantastic story.

what have i learned? everything and nothing all rolled into one.
what do i appreciate? everything and nothing all rolled into one.
what do i love? everything and nothing all rolled into one.
what do i sing? the song of the hummingbird.

sighs. changes are happening requiring planning. lets pray this tiny bird with a big heart is up to the challange. even in the face of a MONDAY!!!! YIKES!

be well, travelers. you make this journey worth every second. a world without you just wouldnt be the same. oh no. and i mean that in the best possible way.

heartkiss and hugs. lets get this caravan moving to the stars. :wink:

Goals

Someone asked me the other day if i had goals? Did I have a dream in mind for my future?
You know I dont have much of a clue to that. I have never been one to have goals. But now that I have a child, planning seems to be natural. It sure messes up the natural flow of stuff though. Pouts.

So I guess, besides my necessary goal of being a good parent, I should set some sign posts to where I would like US to be in the coming years. Life is getting shorter. And if I dont want to miss out on things, I must learn to take the pictures out of the filing cabinet, and put them on my desktop. Since that is what I stare at most of the time... :winks:

Goal number one: Learn when people are taking advantage of you. and Dont let it happen.
Goal number two: Become familiar with my passion, and create a life surrounding that drive.
Goal number three: Teach a little man to RESPECT women. And himself.
Goal number four: Get a place with a yard. so that the little man can run around outside.
Goal number five: Let there be love. For me and for the sprout.
Goal number six: Rinse and repeat. :lol:

Say It!

Sometimes saying what you think is not always the best decision. But sometimes if you don't, it's even worse. Especially when you have a pretty good idea others are thinking the same thing. And its hard for us to not judge people, for we all have our own ideas about how our own world works. I strive everyday to keep my mind from saying all those mean hateful little things it likes to spit out about others and myself, in judgement.

So, when that little pot of misguided statements and thoughts gets full, some of them come spilling out. Its only natural. take deep cleansing breaths. realize whatever worth it has, whatever wrong it has manifested and move on. Peace.

who fixed it?

that would be me! yea i am cool...

but it was pretty easy. :lol:

Computer Crashed

And writing from work. :shhhhh:

I hope to be back up running soon. I dont think many of you will miss me. but heres hoping.

be well. keep it wise. and have as much sex as possible. oh wait. did i say that out loud?

ha ha... :wink: :wink: :wink:

Monday

You know, there are just somedays when i wish i could lock the office door so i could sit and work in my pajamas... without anyone bugging me! and i could work from home, but i find that I am much more productive in an office setting. Much more. snickers...

and baby? i will leave the light on for ya! :huggels:

If i could paint you a Picture

I wish upon a star tonight
bring me the dream
a note of wisdom
a vision of you.

bring me your honesty
and your smiles again
why is that so hard
for you to do that?

deserving a truth to lies
i wander this battlefield
we blame each other
but we did it together

have i become a set back?
a burden on your life?
if that is the case,
you need to let me go.

never take for granted
what you are freely given
you become a fool
by the choice to ignore

one deep breath
leads to another.
give me wisdom time
knowing i am worthy

and choose the path
that offers me a way
to be myself and cry
and laugh and live

in the glow of love
in the warmth of embrace
in the sighs of after
pleasant satisfacting peace.

I always forget stuff...

Its the Friday before Father's Day. and of course i forgot to send something to my dad. SH*T. What do you get Fathers? sighs. well, i have some ideas, but nothing i can pull off before Sunday. I hope he understands when i send him a card that says, please wait for a package! if he doesnt, he is going to have to drive from Texas to make me feel guilty about it!

Look for tear jerking fathers day entry on Sunday. Just not up to it this morning. If i dont see ya? get out there and make someone smile. that someone being you! :hug:

More than TWO!!!!

As promised the W-Wednesday. Which words does this Wednesday warrant? Well, some wish for wonderful things and some want realism. So I decided to start with a definition of W = double u... :wink:

Columbia Encyclopedia:
W, 23d letter of the alphabet, in form a doubled u or v. It is the usual symbol of a voiced bilabial semivowel, as in the English wing. The same semivowel occurs as second member of the dipthongs au (as in house), ō, and oo͞. In twice the w represents a voiceless semivowel, which is heard also in some dialects that distinguish between where and wear.

Wikipedia:
"Double U" is the only English letter name with more than one syllable. This gives the nine-syllable initialism www the irony of being an abbreviation that takes more syllables to say than the unabbreviated form. A few speakers therefore shorten the name "double u" into "dub" only, although this is rather rare and nonstandard; for example, University of Washington is known colloquially as "U Dub". In the Texas dialect of American English, the name is often condensed to two syllables rather than three, resulting in George W. Bush's nickname of "Dubya".

Various Definitions from Wikipedia:
• In radiocommunication, W is one of the ITU prefixes allocated to the United States. W is generally used as the first letter of call signs allocated to broadcast television or radio stations east of the Mississippi river.
• In astronomy, W stands for a November 16 through 30 discovery, in the provisional designation of a comet (e.g. C/1984 W2, Comet Hartley) or asteroid (e.g. (4035) 1986 WD).
• In biochemistry, W is the symbol for tryptophan.
• In computing, ^W is often used jokingly to indicate the intended deletion of the previous word. This is because in some programs (e.g., many Unix shells) the keystroke control-W is used to delete the previous word.
- w is a command on Unix systems that displays information on users who are currently logged in. It is the only one-letter Unix command.
- W is the name of a graphical windowing system for Unix platforms.
• In film, W is the name of a 1973 American film; see W (film)

And for a sentence:
George "Dubya" Bush should be lynched/swing for just being an idiot, in addition to mis-leading the country into war and further ignoring the real issues that face America. Tarred and feathered I say. You could have learned that when he was gubner.

"I am a man of constant sorrow... i seen trouble all my days... " whistles while she works at being well adjusted in the dubya administration. :wink:

Off the Floor

Well, I am waiting on a bed. My co-worker says that he has a bed that he is getting rid of, and he is going to let me take it! Now, true confessions, I/we have been sleeping on the floor since December 2005. Not that I dont enjoy that HA!!!! What a lie that would be. I have come to fantasize about my bed that is in Texas. sighs. daydreams... zzzzzzzzzzzz okay back. Fingers crossed, tomorrow I am going to get a double bed with an actual frame, no headboard or footboard, hate those things. Its a gift from the universe! nah actually my coworker who wants it out of his garage! :yipee for me:

This place is going to shape up. Once it has, I will snap a photo so you can see what it looks like to live in a tiny place for a lot of money in SB california! Just so you know, there is always room on the floor for my friends. giggles.

Sorry... Slacked.

Today I apologize for not making the W post on Wednesday. Will make up for it by doing a two word Wednesday this week. Been feeling a bit low, depressed and sick, so that explains my abscence. But back at work, and trying to make the best of it.

happy monday to all. hope you are smiling. see you Wednesday. wink wink... from slacker mem.

Rowing always rowing

As I row, row, row
Going so slow, slow, slow
Just down below me is the old sea
Just down below me is the old sea
Nobody knows, knows, knows
So many things, things, so
So out of range
Sometimes so strange
Sometimes so sweet
Sometimes so lonely

The further I go
More letters from home never arrive
And I'm alone
All of the way
All of the way
Alone and alive

You just have to go, go, go
Where I don't know, know, know
This is the thing
Somebody told me
A long time ago

The further I go
More letters from home never arrive
And I'm alone
All of the way
All of the way
Alone and alive

Rowing Song - Patty Griffin

As i traveled across country, i had a compilation CD by this amazing songstress. Funny this is the song he remembers from this CD. One day I heard him say, Row Row Row.... (he had never heard row row row your boat.) I wondered what he was talking about.... then i realized. He was singing this song. What a sharp mind my son possess. And how is it I didnt realize he would all along? I dont know how life chooses our paths. Including my decision to be a mother. You can allude to yourselves that the lives you have you have choosen. You do choose between the paths available. but do you really choose the opportunities? I have a friend that would tell me that we manifest our destinies. She is only partially right. Manifestation includes some of our choices. But do we really have that ultimate derision? Isnt that a bit egotistical? And ignorant to the other truths we hold self evident?

There are so many things we take for granted. Including ourselves. For so many years i have thought i knew the truths about life and this planet. But what I have realized is that mostly i am a surfer taking the best waves. Riding them as long as i can. And realizing when the time is right to choose the next ride. I have always taken the road less traveled. It has worn on my soul. So much i feel like a hermit most days. My poor kid. But like P.G. says, as i row row row... going so slow slow slow... I keep the pace of the distance I am able to cross. I want to believe in the accomplishments I have achieved. But everyday I have doubts. Everyday the boat fills with water and i bail it out. And still accomplish the other things i have to do. Am I tired you ask? DAMN STRAIGHT! More than i ever have been in my life. AM I QUITTING? that is a stand up routine waiting to happen!!!!!! LOL. Hell no i am not quitting. I have spent my life with my claws in the air, grasping at the unusual but correct path i have chosen for my life.

I want to thank the souls that have helped me on my journey. Your voices and generosity sing to my persistance. And allow me to follow the road less traveled. Even if it is vicariously, visions and support are everything. And universe? allow my little offspring to have the father figure he so well deserves. He is a generous spirit and a kind soul at center. Give me the wisdom to keep opening doors for him, until he can open them for himself. He deserves a life of peace and wonder. Despite his mommas doubt of the truths that love allows.

As i row, row, row, going so slow, slow, slow,.... I continue to do that. With or without a paddle! :giggles:

W Words Wednesday

Time for your W word...

whine v. whined, whin·ing, whines
v. intr.
To utter a plaintive, high-pitched, protracted sound, as in pain, fear, supplication, or complaint.
To complain or protest in a childish fashion.
To produce a sustained noise of relatively high pitch: jet engines whining.

v. tr.
To utter with a whine.

n.
The act of whining.
A whining sound.
A complaint uttered in a plaintive tone.

The man whined when he found out she was sick. And she whined because she knew she was missing out on some good pay.

Now I went into work today despite that i am not feeling 100%. As in previous log, i am grateful to be working! (another W word... BONUS) So my coworker says if you are sick you need to go home. I can't get sick. If you are staying I am leaving. Basically kicking me out of the office. Now i am a temporary employee, and dont get paid if i dont work. So I was kind of miffed about this. But I left. Came home and decided there maybe something I could do around the house. And he called me up and apologized for being such an ass about it. I am going to like working with this person! And i think i am going to learn alot from him. As long as there isnt too much drama. Oh did i mention? They hired me full time permanently! Not sure of my first date as a full time employee, but its in the works. :wink:

She refused to whine about that! :clap:

T-day Job Ramblins...

Yes it feels like a Monday. I am working. and that is a GOOD thing. people when you start to bitch about your jobs remember what it would be like to have no job for 5 months. How would you survive? do you have enough in reserve? where would you go if you couldnt pay your rent/mortgage? Be thankful. If it sucks that bad, don't do what i did and sabatoge yourself. Find another job, one that you enjoy more...

anyway, not much to see here...

I'm gonna break
I'm gonna break my
I'm gonna break my rusty cage
and run!!!!!

J.Cash :king:

A Cold

In the summertime SUCKS! Hard to have a fever etc. when its hot outside. And you have a kid. And its a holiday weekend. And... you get extremely snippy... and you start to see flashes in front of your eyes. And you don't have anyone to take care of you or your kid...

okay i gotta lay down. i am whiny, tired, and my lungs feel like they are on fire. I hate having colds.... whine.

R. W. Emerson

Where do we find ourselves? In a series of which we do not know the extremes and believe that it has none. We wake and find ourselves on a stair; there are stairs below us, which we seem to have ascended; there are stairs above us, many a one, which go upward out of sight... Ghostlike, we glide through nature, and should not know our place again.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

the theme of burning man this year... Hope and Fear. The surreal event I wish I had the stamina to attend. sighs. someday.

this spurned an Emerson quote run ... Here area few for your enlightenment. Enjoy.

You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

~ i always strive for this one.~

Wisdom has its root in goodness, not goodness its root in wisdom.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

~ well DUH! ~

When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

~ Keep watching. except in Cali, you see the stars in the daytime too. Blech. Giggles ~

What is a weed? A plant whose virtues have never been discovered.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

~ For my stoner friends. giggles even louder. ~

Washington, where an insignificant individual may trespass on a nation's time.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

~ Little GW Bush can kiss my GRITS!!!!! ~

Trust men and they will be true to you; treat them greatly and they will show themselves great.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

~ Only a man can say that without bustin a gut laughing! what a crock... - one man is turning this around for me... very slowly. ~

Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

To be great is to be misunderstood.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

~ These two go hand in hand. as in my last entry, beauty is gift. treasure the gifts. not the materials that make the gifts. ~

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

~ with that i will close. thank you for giving me your time and attention. there are so many more to post. but remember this. ~

For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

~ Peace my fellow earthly denizens. Rest your minds and breath life in. :namaste: ~

Mona Lisas and Madhatters....

And now I know
Spanish Harlem are not just pretty words to say
I thought I knew
But now I know that rose trees never grow in New York City

Until you've seen this trash can dream come true
You stand at the edge while people run you through
And I thank the Lord there's people out there like you
I thank the Lord there's people out there like you

While Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters
Sons of bankers, sons of lawyers
Turn around and say good morning to the night
For unless they see the sky
But they can't and that is why
They know not if it's dark outside or light

This Broadway's got
It's got a lot of songs to sing
If I knew the tunes I might join in
I'll go my way alone
Grow my own, my own seeds shall be sown in New York City

Subway's no way for a good man to go down
Rich man can ride and the hobo he can drown
And I thank the Lord for the people I have found
I thank the Lord for the people I have found

Elton John

I dont know why but this song changed my life. Everytime i hear it. There is no specific truth in relevance to my life. But its combination in spirit, lyric and instrumental voice reminds me that there is nothing more sacred to me than music. Well, besides my son... but you understand your choice of music's relevance in your own lives. You dont need me to remind you of that. It is a song that has been center stage to alot of life changing situations for me. It reminds me of the unique travel we all make to ourselves and how every person we encounter makes a ripple in the pond of our experience. Thankfully i have been blessed with some awesome souls in my life.

I desire every one of you learn your desires presently. And know when you see beauty, that beauty arrived JUST for you at that moment. You have no choice in it. It is a GIFT to you. Dont let it slip through your hands. You never know when that could disappear. Be aware and happy because of it! i command it! AS IF I had any power whatsoever!!!!!!

No matter what you think, i desire it everyday for you all (even if i dont know you). Its what makes me who I am and how great is that for me? Know this now, it will never change. You will always have me on your side. The universe has ordained it. So let it be. Individuality is not easily won, but if I have to fight for it I will. Please do that for yourselves. Dont be detoured by illusion people. Inside each and everyone of you is a valid, intuitive, creative being. Let that be your mantra to yourselves and if you have them, your offspring. It is the future. Let it be US! Please let it be us. There is nothing BUT us.

"i thank the lord for the people i have found" thanks elton for being yourself. you have changed my way of thinking. in this lifetime.:hug:

W/Wednesdays - Wheat Thins R My Nemesis

Wheat Thins are a popular snack cracker distributed by Nabisco, a subsidiary of Kraft Foods Global Inc.. The product's slogan 'Great Taste...Big Crunch' was developed by Brian Eaton and is a reference to the rich flavor and seasoning on each cracker. Wheat Thins come in many variations. Wheat thins also are Baked Snacked Crackers.

they sit on my shelf calling to me in the middle of the night, MEM... we are here. we are a baked cracker. don't worry about your diet. a few of us wont hurt... And then the cream cheese joins in... we want to be with the wheat thins... please spread us on your wheat thins... The torture is you can't eat just a few.

Damn them. Damn them all to HELL!

say goodbye to a few extra WW points until that box is off your shelf. :wink:

Interviewed.

I went back for a second interview with a British company that opened an office in SB two years ago. They do transportation system maps. Not terribly dynamic, design wise, but terribly interesting if you like maps at all... Lo and Behold, i do. I am a GEEK!

The most interesting thing to me was the fact that I felt at ease with this man (the head designer/cartography manager) all over again. Its one of those situations where you know that it would be a perfect fit jobwize if the money worked out. In addition, I met with his boss, the money man today, for a few minutes where he tried to put me off my mark, but i held fast. Thanks to some job training provided by the state my interview skills were on tap. At the end of the all this, the head designer walked me out to the lobby/hall beyond the offices and gave me a glowing account of his desire to hire me. That he was impressed with my resume, and my demeanour. And that he wants me to become a part of this company and is going to keep trying to find a way for me to fit in there!

YIPEEE for me! I offered to do freelance and work one day a week in the offices there because that would put me in an adventagous position if the right situation came about. Not to mention my pocketbook would love the extra money for saving to take a trip somewhere... :wink: :wink: SWYHRT.

Ah... things here are going well. As we suspected. Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream. :whistle:

Wednesdays: Words that start with a W...

I finally decided on my regular Wednesday posts! Words that start with a W and anecdotal smatterings that will allow me to use them in a sentence. Aren't you excited? I knew that you would be. :wink:

wince:
n 1: the facial expression of sudden pain 2: a reflex response to sudden pain [syn: flinch] v 1: draw back, as with fear or pain; "she flinched when they showed the slaughtering of the calf" [syn: flinch, squinch, funk, cringe, shrink, recoil, quail] 2: make a face indicating disgust or dislike; "She winced when she heard his pompous speech"

Yea. She winced as she sat down in her office chair wearing blue jeans. DOH!

Okay the brain is not always engaged. Or maybe I should say that I am HIGHLY optomistic. I had minor surgery, as you may have read a few days ago, and part of this procedure left some stitches in my navel. best place for them I guess. I mean the navel is already a deep dark trench for me... whats a few bumps in there? good hiding place I say. BUT! whew. The waistband of my jeans hits me right in the center of my navel. Here's the dilemma... do I unbutton my pants in front of my male coworker? and ease my pain? Or can I play the martyr card ONE MORE TIME!? blech.

Puts a Post it Note on her closet door... Remember to have a FLEXIBLE waistband on clothing for one week... NO ARGUMENTS! Just do it! Sheesh. you think I would have figured all this out by the age of 45.... :LOL:

Long Time Gone

Man, seems like i have let this space go to the sidelines. Life has been picking up lately, and having a hard time keeping up!

Just to recap what i have been up to:
Working! praise the baby jesus. I am finally working full time. sighs. relaxes into her office chair.
Mommy: yea. full time. being two parents. and doing a half ass job it seems to me. but keeping on with the best i can offer the youngster. He did get some new Thomas the Tank Engine tennies the other day. We are excited.
Minor Surgery: Elective. went into it knowingly. It was time to take care of something that will make my life much easier in one aspect. but recovering is a bitch!
Laundry: I hate the laundromat. But.. you if you read my blog, you already know that fact.
Weather: Getting used to a new climate. Seems that there is something called the June gloom here, that started in may this year. I think the thing I miss most is the stars at night. Being from Texas... well, you know the song.
Nightmares: yea you also know if you read my blog that dreams are important to me. and i have been having nightmares. So has my son. sleep deprivated...
Belongings: Not a big fan of materialistic stuff. But missing things like my dresser, and toy box. Oh and my movies. and my TV... and my big comfy bed. but with gas prices as they are.... YIKES! maybe fall before i can retrieve anything.
Computer: well i have been chatting late into the night with my man. and that is a tough deal. too far away. sighs. need a ticket to ride... :sits back and daydreams:
Entrepenaur: Be on the lookout for a new plan next fall. I have an exciting idea that will make for some great Blog material. Coming soon to a virtual diary near you.

Life is good. i am loved. and things are getting better everyday! come and visit us! There is plenty of room on the floor to crash. :wink:

Sunshine

There ain't no sunshine when shes gone..

Sadly the June gloom of Santa Barbara is upon us now. the sun peaks in for maybe an hour a day, then *poof* marine layer. I am used to extreme sun, Texas sun. Beating down almost everyday from May to September. I dont mind the change so much, but its a bit cooler here, and find myself indoors until my blood gets acclimated to this California weather. Hey, anything beats the lizard type conditions of the swampland known as Houston.

patiently awaits the return of the sunshine in the middle of the day. and the funds to buy a plane ticket. ILYSYH. :kiss:

when she believes

The good lord is such a good lord
With such a good mother too
They have blessed me
In the good graces of you
I have heard a hundred violins crying
And I have seen a hundred white doves flying
But nothing is as beautiful
As when she believes in me

How good it must feel
To be so young and free
And a song that pleases a queen
Will always please me
I have heard the wisest of wisdom
And I have dined in palaces and kingdoms

But nothing is as beautiful
As when she believes in me

Now, all of life
Is just passing the time
Until once again
Your eyes look into mine
I have been adored by a stranger
And I have heard the whispering angel

But nothing is as beautiful
As when she believes in me

When She Believes - Ben Harper

I always have had faith in the words of the men i have loved. It makes the days go into the night so peacefully. And it allows your breath to leave your body with one graceful note. Dreaming of the moments you bestow your truths on the person you have allowed into your heart. As a result i have been hurt. Damaged. Abadoned. Lied to. Physically abused. And have to admit sometimes i am my own worst enemy.

Yes i believe. I heard you talking to me, whispering to me about the things we would share. Times that I dream of now. As you slowly slip back into yourself, i feel like I am not going to be able to with stand this challange. This is my time as well lover. If you have doubts you must share those as well as your happiness. How else can two people get in tune of the times they are meant to share? sighs.

this may all be in vain, but lets step out there and strike while the time is right. stop treating me like a stranger and treat me like a friend. a lover. and the way you did when we first met. be well. be safe. be mine. i believe in you. KISS.

Its Wednesday

And i am thinking. *sound the alarm, take cover* Why dont i have a regular theme post on Wednesdays? What could be the topic? What would you like to see?

give me some feed back people. Make it interesting. I want a theme. something creative. Something you will want to come and check me out on Wednesdays just to see if i have upped the ante...

thanks in advance for your creative minds and input. :wink:

:whistles while she waits:

Without You Tonight

I learned something about myself all over again. I am vibrant, alive and wise. Dont you love it when that happens? I wish for today and all days that you, my cyber friends, find yourselves in the sunshine you know you can and will be. All these words we spit into the airwaves make a ripple in the pond. Know that you make a difference everytime you tell the truth to a friend. Especially if that friend is yourself. Change this crazy ass self absorbed world with your own wisdom.

No one can say it like you do. And yet we all seem to be saying the same thing right? Love, acceptance, difference, wisdom, communication and compassion. How in tune are we as souls? Like attracts like. One of the dreams I had today reminded me I am never ever alone. I am just deluding myself to the martyrism that i have been conditioned to. Let life BREATHE life into all you encounter. With a gospel song in your heart, five part harmony and some kick ass soulfood in your belly.

My wish for today? Let New Orleans rise from her watery grave. And that someday I will be able to see Jazzfest live again. Raises her glass, and orders a pulled pork poorboy. Nothing like some soulfood to remind you of how simple a good meal and some great music can revamp any attitude.

And baby? Meet me in the gospel tent! I will be onstage belting my large voice for everyone to hear of my love for life and you. You are a rock in my world. Can I get an amen!? :wink:

Congratulations to ME!

Cheers. This drink is on me. I got a JOB!!!!!!

In fact after four months of wondering what was going to happen, if i would ever get a job, I got three job offers in two days! :JUMP: Its so affirming to know that patience and faith really do pay off in the long run. Of the three offers, I decided to take a job in which my schedule would be Mon-Thurs. Oh My! Three day weekends? And in Santa Barbara!? AWESOME

Thanks for listening to me freak out and whine all these months. And the wonderful words of encouragement.

more blogging to commence since i will be at a desk job, and that seems to inspire my blogs. :whispers: dont tell.

Jobs Jobs Jobs

I am still on the job search. things really picked up on Monday, today continuing. I hope that this streak of not getting work will come to an end this week. please dear readers send positive affirmations to help my weary soul. i am feeling the pinch of self doubt again concerning survival of this doldrum. I know that things will turn around. i have faith. but tonight, i am alone again, and feeling the winds of doubt.

thanks for being my silent support. and my cyber companions. may all your dreams come true. and all your financial burdens alleviated. namaste.

Hummingbird

Two days ago in a beautiful park in Santa Barabara, i saw a hummingbird. Those fascinating little creatures are a site to see in nature. Funny thing, this sweet little bird was stalking me... staring at me. Would fly a wee bit away, and then come right back up to eye level about 8 feet from me. It was amazing. He/She kept doing this for about 7 minutes.

I wonder what it was trying to tell me? does anyone know? goes to google hummingbird as a sign... :wink:

edit: upon research i found this:

Hummingbird: Symbolizes devotion, permanence and eternity. This is a strong symbol in disguise because although the hummingbird is small in stature, it is extremely determined in it's own territory.

Hummingbird - Messenger, stopper of time, optimism, sweetness. Being able to roll with the punches is an attribute of Hummingbird.

HUMMINGBIRD Agility. Love. Beauty. Among the more northern nations, the Hummingbird is seen as a messenger. If he appears during a time of great sorrow or pain, healing will soon follow. He also symbolizes the fragility of nature and all living things.

Hummingbirds in Native American Tradition
Whether this qualifies as "natural history" may depend upon your own beliefs, but Peter Guanikeyu Torres, President and Council Chief of the Taino Indigenous Nation of the Caribbean and Florida, said:

The Taino Native American people were the first people to meet Columbus in 1492. The Hummingbird is the symbol of the spreader of life on the Earth. It also symbolizes the rebirth of the Taino Indian Nation of the Caribbean and Florida. We also call our Warriors, Colibri Warriors (Hummingbird Warriors), as the Hummingbird is very peaceful but, it protects it own homeland with the heart of a Eagle. Our history tells us the small Hummingbirds were at one time small flies that Agueybaba the Sun Father transformed one day into little birds.

I am not your Cinderella.

Cinderella can't you see
Don't want your company
You better leave this mornin' leave today
Take your love and your child away

Rockin' chair on the front porch
I'm thinkin' about all the things that I did
As a young man
Now that I'm old

I remember her and the boy
Did he have all the toys and the joys
That a young man should have
Before he gets too old

Cinderella couldn't you see
Didn't want your company
Shoulda left that mornin' left that day
Took your love and your child away

Remember that old Firefall song? Someone sent it to me the other day. And I listened to the lyrics. Yea some of it applies to my situation. And the man responsible is not involved. Choices. we all make them. I made one that is going to be with me the rest of my life, if i am lucky. Even though I sometimes want to wring his little neckbones, I give him what i can. When i can. that is the best any parent can do. Cuz no matter how many books you read, its still a unique situation to each parent.

And the little stinkers know how to push your buttons. Now if i could find the off switch. So i could have a few minutes peace! Keep them laughing, and it seems to be a better road. :hug: to all the single parents out there. may the world shower you with peacefull moments. And to the married parents. Hug your partner right now. be thankful you have each other to count on. :wink:

Half Moon

I wrote this poem while the moon was full last month. and since it is only half full, i was thinking of you. and the moon. and the light it would be shining on your body tonight. sighs. and sighs again.


Bright Moon

the moon is shining full tonight
its warming nightime glow
its touching him with its light
as its touching me and i know

his eyes whisper to me
of thier promise on the wind
my baby has his arms wrapped tight
around me while we blend

your breath is quiet and mind still
as i reach to your heart tonight
wondering if its rhythm ever will
beat against mine in mornings light

i wander the earth with ancient feet
walking ever closer to my dream
making your eyes smile with me
listening to your silent scream

take me with you as you wander
to find your path of peace
my heart cries out to your passions
a longing for your hands to release.

a song i hold inside my heart
that sings both day and night
to a person who has become a part
distanced souls with words incite

a moon, a circle, undeniable light
work your magic with my love
his eyes are lights i follow close
taking us to the skies above.

The Tree Blossoms

When I first started talking to you the tree was covered in nothing but blooms. When things went bad, all the blooms but two fell off and the tree was bare. As we started talking again, the tree slowly grew leaves with the two blooms on top still in flower. I feel like that describes our relationship. As the days grow longer the tree sprouts out more and more leaves. The tree is filling out with more growth everyday. I look at it and remind myself that sometimes rain falls. And it only makes the tree more beautiful in the coming days. Growing slowly towards the sky with the two blooms still unfolding everyday. And as they die off, the tree will continue to grow. And become a new vision all together.

A friend once said to me love is like a garden. You have to be patient and watch it grow. Feed and tend to it, but you can't force its growth. More and more i understand in my soul what she meant by that. And i feel honored to know you. Hope that you are honored to know me. LIfe moves on. Let us move on with it. Together.
SH-ILY - YCB.

Okay Bloggers Block

This Blog has been boring! BORING the last month. Now pedicure and blues. well kinda at least different. but...

I am sorry that you have to see the sad slow decline into a swamp thing this has become. Dont give up hope. Witty wonderful repetoire will return as soon as i have a desk job! evil sinister laugh here.

keep your fingers crossed that happens soon. This is a recording.

Laundry Mat Blues

Put my clothes in the Bag... da da da dum
Got my quarters too... da da da dum
Got the soap and the bleach... da da da dum
Whatcha gonna do... da da da dum

The place smells like an armpit... da da da dum.
And the people are not cool... da da da dum
All four loads go into the machine... da da da dum
Whatcha gonna do... da da da dum

Got the Laundry Mat Blues.
Yea the Laundry Mat Blues
Watching clothes go round
What else ya gonna do

The final load is dry enough... da da da dum
And now we have to fold... da da da dum
the kid is electric tonight... da da da dum
and tries to run into the road... da da da dum

Had a fight with the bitch... da da da dum
Folding at the same place.. da da da dum
she says that is my spot... da da da dum
yea she made me twitch... da da da dum

Got the Laundry Mat Blues.
Yea the Laundry Mat Blues
Watching clothes go round
What else ya gonna do

Put the clothes in the car... da da da dum
and headed back to the crib... da da da dum
promise myself next time... da da da dum
i will not take my kid... da da da dum

I will not wait so long... da da da dum
to do my laundry again... da da da dum
will buy more underwear... da da da dum
keeping clean what i can... da da da dum

Got the Laundry Mat Blues.
Yea the Laundry Mat Blues
Watching clothes go round
What else ya gonna do

yea I had to do laundry tonight. I was down to my last pair of drawers. and lost two socks in the process. two pairs of my dwindling sock collection gone. :cries: so I wrote this really bad song for you to share in my misery!

:winks: :whistles: picks up her guitar. enjoy.

Pedicure

Okay lovely people. Spring has sprung. And its time to remove those winter socks and shoes to reveal what is lurking underneath. YIKES~!

My one and only story about this. For 5 months I sold ladies shoes at Foleys. Of course it was spring in the middle of this imprisonment and people were planning vacations. As the women came in to by footwear for these occasions I was accosted by images representing the varying stages of winter feet. Oh My. One woman had brought her daughter with her to try on shoes. I would say respectfully, the older was in her late 50's and her daughter probably young 30's. When her mother took off her shoes, her daughter said... 'Mother. Oh my GOD! You're toenails are embarrasing. " Outloud. So you can imagine the state of this womans feet. I don't want to go into it, but lets just say it looked like she could dig a ditch with her toenails, after she had trimmed them with her teeth. BLECH!

So ladies. or gents. Take that into consideration before you head out to buy the new sandles for the season. Check the toes and thier nails. Clean 'em up a bit. Or you too could become blog fodder! :lol:

Yea here is a pic of mine. Thanks to dear SB sister Lexi for treating me to a pedicure, bringing my feet back to a respectable state. YIPPPEEEEEE. whatcha think sweeyheart?

Midnight

The day comes to a close and we part ways. Unwillingly. Life makes jokes you can't laugh at immediately. I can't put my finger on why it is things happen the way they do. I have been fortunate enough in my life to feel accepting of the things that happen, for they do. I have no control. I can only be the pawn in the game. Learn to smile at the things that bring me joy. And laughter.

The thing that really surprises me about this is I don't feel as settled in my daily life as i do when you are around me. You help me breath easy. Sing softly. And feel alive. However that has happened we help each other relax. I wait each day to hear your voice. See your smile. In your words and actions. Thank you for patience, acceptance and love.

May i always bring you the same. giggles. as if! women. :rolls her eyes: Long may they run!

Plane ticket. Can I get a free plane ticket over here? So in need. :winks:

The Dream

I had a dream last night you were there. In my room. Making love to me with your eyes. And we touched. briefly. You said to me, I never knew it could be like this. I said, me either. Then you said, I have to go. and watched me as you left the room. Writing down your phone number as you left. Said, call me. Or meet me here and gave me a place and time.

When I woke up I sensed how far off this moment may really be. And a stone went onto my heart again today. And you weren't there. I hope that whomever shares your smiles today knows how lucky they are! And that one day my dream will come true. our dream. sweeyheart. xoxox.

Selfish

I have been accused of being insecure. And manipulative. And downright voracious and a spaz. But you know? i am never ever selfish. It is my belief that you give what you have whenever you can. Share and the universe shares in return. I would like to find someone who will share everything with me. all thier thoughts and secrets. and dreams. No matter what.

Are you out there dear soul? one who is willing to be unselfish with me? i am looking for you. come and have dinner at the breakfast nook. and we can bare our souls.

Soft Spot

All i needed today was a comfy couch, a warm hug and some kisses. Why do i think that is anyones job but mine to make me feel better? Love should be unconditional. But people put conditions on me. I guess that is not love then.

i need a notebook, a babysitter and a long tall drink of water. anyone? offers? suggestions? retaliations?

Jelly

Grape jelly is for people under four feet tall. It doesnt spread. it doesnt taste very good. Its a tragic waste of grapes!

thoughts?

I am smiling.

"i like the smile and your fingertips
i like the way that you move your hips
i like the cool way you look at me
everything about you is bringing me misery

litle red wagon
little red bike
i ain't no monkey
but i know what i like
i like the way you love me strong and slow
i'm taking you with me honey baby when i go"

Bob Dylan - Buckets of Rain

And its a big grin i cant hide. join me in the best thought you could think of. and smile. You deserve one too.

winks. at her sweeyheart. i do it for you honeybaby. cant you tell?

The Ring around the Moon

Last night after a wonderful long conversation with a friend, i walked outside for some fresh air. As i looked into the sky i saw the moon had a huge reflective ring around it. making it look like a huge eye that was staring straight at me. with all its light emanating from its center. i was so in awe of the vision, and the wonderful conversation i had that evening i became still, silent, hearing nothing just feeling in touch with the universe and its wonderful infinity. Thinking how connected I am to someone and something so far from me. There are obvious wonders to our world. And there are some that are hidden.

If i had a lasso the moon would be my partner. in a tale that involves dreams and desires. one that means you would be mine. Tonight is another night for me to see the moon and not you. and yet i am relaxed and together. as much as i can be. as i silently scream my love i move forward to knowing myself. and that is all i can expect from life today!

life. it is mine. and moves along at a pace i stil seem to be a spectator in. and that is so FINE BY ME! keep you posted.

I see you everywhere

I was driving down the road today and saw a man i thought was you.
i had to do a double take, because you are no where to be found
I saw your eyes in his and your hands. your size and strength
and i wondered if you had been thinking of me again.

Because i have been thinking of you with every breath i take
but i am caught up in the wake, and i am drowning.
wander as far as you need to find a smile again
just know that none are as sweet as mine.

Anniversary

Today marks the anniversary of my body being forced onto this plane of existence. Yep. ITS MY BIRTHDAY! yeehaw... :rolls her eyes: But i am in an exceptionally good mood for knowing that i have survived the last year. I am here. Life is sweet. And someone is looming in my atmosphere that has opened me up to something new. Big shit eating grin here.

Taking stock of the year that is my purpose of this blog. To remind myself of the strength and faith I have in the powers that continue to stick their fingers in my daily concoctions. Thanks to you guardian angels. with out you I wouldn't be living in the beautiful town of Santa Barbara. PARADISE! This place is paradise. And I cross my fingers to be here for an extended period of time.

This time last year:
I was living in Conroe TX. Working in a shack, literally, for people that are not of good intentions. Despite their desire to take care of others, they intentionally justify shameful acts with a love of god and their "connection" with said diety. My son was one year old, coming up on two. I was depressed. But had found a wonderful group of friends online at my FAV radio station. RadioParadise. I suggest it to all that pass here. And that was my link to an outside of myself world. Making plans to attend a party by one of the esteemed members in Pasadena that summer. It was all I lived for somedays. Sad, but life saving for me.

In the meantime, I continued to work. Lost 70lbs in Weight Watchers. Attended Reinstock with a lovely woman from Austin TX as a traveling companion. meeting the faces i had only pictured in my mind. Laughed, sang, saw the beauty of the Southern California terrain. Planning to go to another California Function in Sept. My sisters wedding! Now i am a person that swore she would NEVER live in CA. But after the three trips i made (family reunion the year before) to California in two years, i was hooked. Daydreaming of living somewhere other than the most humid place on the planet. And a place my son would have so much more opportunity.

So fast forward. I moved in with my friend in October, and lost my job two weeks later. Ouch, and yet compelling evidence it was time to go. With a small amount of money in my pocket, and a dream as big as the state of California, I put my things in storage, and drove away west. I had no job. no place to live. Some family and friends there I could count of for a little while! And I did it! People, I have gotten an apartment and a little bit of work while I am here. Still looking but staying alive! Having faith.

This blog is already too long for my tastes. so let me end your pain.

What makes up a memsahib: I am a stubborn human being and tenacious. I have accomplished things people said I would never be able to accomplish. (and to them I say neener neener). I live for the faith I see in myself due to the fact I am a single mother, without support from the sperm donor and have managed to make a happy peaceful world for my son to exist in. I have a beautiful baby boy, and even though he is two, its kinda great. I love the people I have met along the way. Each of them has given me a little piece of wisdom that I can share with the world. Know that you are appreciated everyday. I look to each corner of life to find the ways to be with an extremely open mind. I have a great gift with words. And all said and done… I am pretty darn sexy and cool. So today is a celebration day for person who has become a memsahib.

Now about those last 40lbs. BE GONE WITH THEE~! I am waiting to share this body with someone and I want it to be now. Where are you companion!? cuz I wants me birthday prezzie…. evil sinister laugh here.

We all deserve to be happy. Make love not War people. It’s the only place we have to live. For now. :puts her hand up in the air, and bobs her head, rock and roll style: Rock On People.

Sad Saturday

I have an undescribable feeling of dread in my body today. i don't know why that is. I hope its just a low energy day. Something inside me sank this morning. My heart feels very heavy. Like rocks are slowly being placed one by one there. and i can't remove them.

I hope nothing bad has happened to someone i love. sighs. i hate that feeling. knowing you can't help someone when they need you. because you don't know what is really going on.

for now. breathe and wait to see what is going to happen. :hug:

A Hole in my Head

So i had an interesting night. Up late chattin with a friend and decided to be productive in the meantime. I had some pork chops in the oven, and cooking potatoes in the microwave. All was well. i finished my conversation with said friend. *SMOOCH* goodnight. I go into the kitchen to finish up cooking and cleaning.

A small kitchen. I had to open the cabinet to put away the clean dishes. The cabinets are right next to the oven. The apartment complex is older. and the cabinet has an old fashioned latch that has a hook on it. this is the door that was open by the tupperware i needed to put the meat in. Now as i bend over to the drawer to retrieve the container, my head comes into direct contact with the hook. OUCH! Now i just rub it a bit and move on... no worries. A couple of minutes later a huge blood drop lands on my glasses! OMG! i have punctured my scalp. and am bleeding. DORK! i am such a dork. and a clutz... No stitches necessary. and the bleeding stopped quickly.

wonders if there was something important that might have escaped... Hm...

Taking my Time

As i read this blog i am seeing a pattern. Boring! How can i keep expressing my challanges with patience? What tools have i overlooked to maintain a level mind? Maybe i am just ignoring the obvious.

Today was a nice peaceful day. I realized that i can be useful. i had a good interview at a really cool place i would like to work. Its not enough money and a hell of a commute. But what is meant to be will be. And i was certain of this when i set out on my journey to CA. What has made me lose that perspective? Starting to immerse myself in doubt i am sinking. Tonight, i am going to do my yoga, and a long hot bath. Write some poetry and work out the doubts inside my head. The one thing i truly miss right now is my guitar. and if i had a job i could at least get a new one. Wouldn't that be a wonderful dream come true.

and love? believe in me. let me make some mistakes. and let me fall. help me back up when you can. these are the times when i need you most. :HUGZ:

This Says Something.

In February, something happened to me. And things have changed. I have changed. Now this is for me to know, not a public announcement of said event. But in a few short weeks, i feel like I have traveled great distances on top of the actual physical distances i have traveled over the last few months. My body is stretched so thin right now i feel like i am going to snap at any given moment. But peace is with me. Peace... a knowing that holds me still. And although i have reservations about my stability, i do know i can count on a friend. to make me feel at peace again.

Yesterday i pulled this card. I am wondering what it is trying to say to me? My first reaction is i have traveled mountains and made long strides. This changing terrain is new for me. and i am trying to focus on what that means. Up hills, down hills, up hills down hills. rapidly. with work, and relationships. and am coming to peace with this cycle for now.

Tell me what you see here. I am curious to listen to someone elses words today. mine seem resistant and forced. stop.

Mom...

Send Socks!

i hate buying socks. and mine are getting holes in them. POUTS.

and that is the truth. giggles.

Poetry

I love that i write poetry. When i was in the nineth grade i had the best english teacher. Young, new to teaching. Positive. Open minded. and encouraging. She encouraged me to pay more attention to my writing. Especially my poetry. I can't tell you how much that meant to me at that time. A geeky out of proportion teenager. Shy, unfamiliar with social skills. It was a wonderful outlet. Besides my drawing of course. We didn't talk much outside of the classroom. But she made me realize that i had words inside of me. that needed to be put out there. In a way i never quite did before.

Such started my quest to find words that were concise, and descriptive. i have always been someone that likes to get to the point quickly. I see things as images and poetry seems to be the best way to portray that. In my sophmore year of high school, she suggested me for accelerated english classes. So i took the plunge. Imagine if you will, a progressive teacher. young exciting, not from our small town. Open to all possibilities. Now lets take into account my sophmore accelerated english teacher.

This woman had more hairspray on her hair than i had ever seen. Helmet head. And the one story i will tell you from that horrible year, we had to do an essay on an american author. I had already been reading Ayn Rand. Totally enthralled. Couldn't put it down. So when it came time to choose one, guess who i decided on!? Yea barrier breaking eccentric Rand. My teacher tells me, you wouldn't be able to understand her! WTF!!!!! I was already through the Fountainhead. So into the characters. And she says, I am assigning you Faulkner! OMG! FAULKNER! drunken sod. Damn my insecurities. Why didn't I stand up for myself? Why didnt I say to the silly baptist laden conservative nobody that I would probably have more insight to Rands words than she ever would with her low end education? A fool. A shy insecure little girl. Who didn't know how to stand up for herself. Damn the eductation system. For me then. Now i write.

Poetry saves my soul. It says things i can understand. Words in bites of images. The combination of the incongrous, and the tactal. Taking away the superflous. I can write you a day. a moment. even a second in phrases and lyrics. Its what i like. Its a ladder to my emotions...and makes me climb. Higher higher to a different level. Taking pictures to describe later to my lovely world of readers.

more poetry soon. just wanted you to know that is how this little corner of the world operates. :winks:

Scared. in a zen kinda way.

I am scared. no other words describe it. I am scared. not doubt or mistrust. just plain scared. i know you like i know me. we are each other. its not what i wanted. it is what happened. i want to run away from it. i want to leave it. and yet i don't want to leave it. EVER! who am i? what am I... and even scarier? i am so RELAXED! i feel at home. peaceful. drawn to its space like nothing before. what is this life about? how did this happen to me? I wasn't looking and it hit me. I WASNT LOOKING!

backs up. one step one step two. i want to breathe you in. not out. in. in. in. love is a mystery. one that even as long as i have lived, i still don't understand. lets just be K-I-S-S-I-N-G. like the kids we are. steps back and breathes. you. in.

Night Terrors

I hope you don't mind me sharing these beautiful cards with you. A very good friend, Sister Universe, made me a present of them. And as they come up, i like to share them with you. Its a nice way to see your way down this spiritual path, journey, bumpy road we call existence. And an insight to things you already know to be true. Such is todays card. Tell me what you see. I think its obvious. Mommas little boy gots a guardian angel. Now about the night terrors.

Last night my son woke up every 45 minutes. sobbing, saying mamma mamma mamma. He is only two 1/2 and doesnt really communicate well. Words are not sentences. I couldn't tell if he was having a nightmare, or just plain terrors. I walked him around the apartment a few times, turning on the lights. leavingthem on so he could see everything. And rocking him humming. trying to be as peaceful as possible. I realized how much the cruel world plays with our minds. Little ones especially since they dont have an immediate answer to why things are happening.

Somedays i worry about being a mother. Why did he pick me? Am i responsible enough? Am i doing the right things... Who knows. we have a great partnership. Its missing an element, but that may change in time. For now, i rock him to sleep. feed him. bathe him. take him outside. Let him live and play in the rain. walk in the sunshine. help him learn. and take time for myself. so i dont damage the little bugger! :wink:

Today, I am at Peace.

"When you’re flying high
Take my heart along
I’ll be the harmony
To every lonely song
But you’ll learn to play

When you’re soaring through the air
I’ll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare
I’ll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down

I keep looking up
Waiting your return
My greatest fear will be
That you will crash and burn
And I won’t feel your fire

I’ll be the other hand
That always holds a line
Connecting in between
Your sweet heart and mine
I’m strung out on that wire

And I’ll be on the other end
To hear you when you call
Angel you were born to fly
And if you get too high
I’ll catch you when you fall
Catch you when you fall

The memories, the sunshine
Every new day brings
I know the sky is calling
Angel let me help you with your wings

When you’re soaring through the air
I’ll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare
I’ll still be there
When you come back down

Take every chance you dare
I’ll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down"

When you come Back Down - Nickel Creek

This pretty much says it all. I am at peace inside my heart. I accept the day as it is. I make the most of the smiles i am offered. And the possibility of making someone else smile too. I am walking softly and quietly. Listening for any sounds that appeal to me. Singing in my head and my soul the songs we share. Whatever that is going to be. Be Here Now. with love.

My friend taught me Patience.

Patience. i have a friend who doesnt know how much i needed this lesson. he reminded me tonight. how do we get so lucky? to know that things change is a willing ally. if you let it be. more than not, we can count on change. and when someone lets you be with them while that happens, you are blessed. nothing is more important than learning. or change because of that understanding. or the opporunity to be aware while it happens. accepting the position you have as a catalyst, or the pawn in the process. we are so fortunate to know our limitations. and make the best of them.

what are we really? just masses of cells approaching an eventual demise. i mean seriously. that is all we have to look forward to. in the long run. in the meantime, we love. we kiss. we hug. we say things we dont mean. we make pictures of beautiful times we want to happen. and appreciate the beautiful pictures life draws for us every single freakin day. with less abandon than we take to appreciate it.

i realized today that i am more than myself. and that I can be appreciated by more than me. whether i am involved in the process or not. Let Love Rule. that really is all we have to live for. and it never presents itself as it should be. Only as it is. Only as it is. its a hard road to hold. a hard path to seek. we are strong. more than we know. give yourselves credit. make your light be the one that makes things here and now. You deserve the best friends. Despite the way things look, seem, or appear. Stop. Breathe. Listen. do you hear it? Your life is speaking to you. in soft unspoken terms. tornados come and go. its just a distraction, and a deturant from your inner voice. know its a daily ritual.

hell, my parents haven't figured it out. and they are older than me! and i still know more than they do. Lets live. here. together. with our visions intact and unafraid. i like that you let me talk to you like this. cuz its what i do. HUGZ all around. now spread the word. we are all we have. treat us well.

Misunderstandings.

I wrote this a month ago. it seems right to post it now...

sometimes when people try to communicate the whole world comes between thier words and the understanding. The words meant one way can be taken another. The opposite side will see one thing and before the other side has time to say what is really meant by those words the damage is done. And there is no retreat into the past to correct any statements into the proper context. Goodbye meaningful dialogue. Goodbye precious conversations.

When we say its not right, we are passing judgement. We are making ourselves more important than the other. I have done this a few times in my life. Once or twice. A relationship from my past, an ex, father of offspring, was a terrible communicator. A manipulator. A selfish conversationalist. We had a discussion about this one night. What does it mean to be selfish in a conversation? or in a love? When people refuse to make an effort in trying to get along, i believe that is selfish. Guilty. When people refuse to talk to you about issues that concern the two participants, they discuss it with others, that is selfish. Guilty. But as i have traveled down the road to asuage myself of bitterness towards this person, i have learned a few lessons.

Dont assume you know what is going on. i make this mistake over and over again. I have strange and psychic insight. and sometimes i let that run instead of staying in the now.

Dont make something out of nothing. it always backfires. always. Mountains out of molehills.

If someone denys something that is a direct question, or doesnt answer, that doesnt mean they are guilty. make a note. then let it go.

Planet Song

Flickery little planet
so far away from me
flickery little planet
tell me what i see

are the eyes of love awaiting
a souls love pure in hue
are the smiles i have in storage
worthy of a meaning true

Tell me litte planet
with your wisdom of the stars
bestow me little planet
to the ways of venus and mars

can i ever be a true love
with passion unbound by fear
can i ever be a sweetheart
to one who holds me dear

flickery little planet
so far away from me
flickery little planet
allow me to be free.

Sheesh

Okay. Its another day. Lets GET IT ON! Wish me luck. I am off to slay some dragons. :war:

Ache

i ache. every pore in my body aches. I am not sure how much more i can handle in this world of love. it keeps tearing my heart apart. and i have to keep piecing it back together. I wish it away. i will away the pain. I make things happen in the meantime. Doing what it takes to keep my son healthy and happy. Fed, and not seeing his mom falling apart. Little by little, eroding into a void. maybe some word will come tomorrow to make me feel alive again. i dont expect it. not at all. but there is always hope.

Being Myself

I am concerned that being myself isn't going to work. For my son, for me, for the world. Now i know, you are all groaning at that statment. Here she goes again. Poor Poor memsahib. Blah Blah Blah.

I don't feel sorry for myself. Quite the contrary. I am one of the luckiest people i know. I have talent. I am wise in a street weary sense. And in an educated sense. what I worry about is finding someone that is at the same level, or equivilant. I worry that the time i spend with people will be wasted and dropped into a pit. never to return. I hate days like this when i feel so inadequate and underappreciated. It makes no sense to feel this way. I am alive. I am joyous in my love for humanity. And i am blessed.

There comes a time when i need to stop thinking and my brain wont stop. It just runs and runs. do i need to stop it? maybe another reason men shy away from me. they may have to actually think when they are around me. I do have my priorities. You gotta be able to keep up. halfway. I mean if you don't, i am definitely going to piss you off. my mind is like a train. it goes on for miles, creating as it steps at rapid paces. I wish i could keep up with it. i can hear you now... have you tried meditation?

What? meditation? that means i would have to stop thinking! That has been an impossibility since i was five years old. Who is with me on the freedom train? Who can take the heat? Who is up for the challange? there is nothing we can't do people. Fear, holding me down. Fear that you wont understand me. Fear that i am doing this wrong. Fear that if i say one more word i am going to want to cut my tongue off. Fear that love will always shy away from me because of this thing that rules my words. Not my feelings people, my words.

Hermitage. That is what i need. To sit alone, and be free of the burden of purpose. but even then, you think the grey matter takes a break!? HA! Make me an channel, dear universe. To fill the air with beautiful sounds. and heavenly music. Make that way clear for me to travel. Ride with me people. Who else can i trust but you? And when you doubt me because of such a trite and fleeting thing as words, you deserve the mistrust you have in your own lives. Dont follow the path of a self proclaimed doubter such as myself. BE UNIQUE! BE STRONG! BE YOURSELVES!

"I am an old woman named after my mother
My old man is another child that’s grown old
If dreams were thunder, lightning was desire
This old house would have burnt down a long time ago

Make me an angel that flies from montgom’ry
Make me a poster of an old rodeo
Just give me one thing that I can hold on to
To believe in this living is just a hard way to go"


Everyday. Everyday. Every freakin DAY! Make me believe. I gotta stop doing this so late at night! :lol:

you never gave me a chance

I was thinking today, i am not mad
i am not angry nor am i upset.
i just really miss my friend.
then it hit me like a brick.

I was a distraction from a woman
that you couldn't have. a momento
to keep your mind off her name
and on a road you wouldnt travel

how could we ever really make it work
when i was behind the wall of the other?
How could i know until right now
that is where you held me all along?

the pictures we painted held her image
not mine in its coloration and sphere
but i was there with you in your space
and you did give me some inspiration

the truth is not always what it seems
words do not always portray meaning
interest does not always hold the one
in the light you wish it to.

love was ours only on consignment
for i was not an option in the puzzle.
i was a distraction. a tool to make
this time go by in the process.

no way could we ever say
that we would or would not
be in love, for we never met
we never kissed. we never were.

screens apart in a mirror we held
each others images to our own
not really wanting to let go
and not really wanting to stay.

i still think of the rain we shared
the promise of always being a friend
the words honesty and respect passing
into a tornado blowing us away

i hope that when things get rough and
you find yourself in need of a friend
you know that my ear will be awake
to the times when we did discuss openly

smiling thinks of the first times we
talked about never wanting to know
if the night turned into day without us
or if the day would come we would cross

the path that life destined for all of us.
which way will we go from here?
i am not allowed to know or say but
as another day passes i still think of you.

Day Two

This is a card that i was presented with by a shaman sister regarding a personal relationship. i thought how beautiful. Producing a flower and placing it in his lap. Cool and receptive. He is receptive. I can light up his world. What a wonderful thing for me to be allowed to do. It started out like this picture a dream come true. But faded. He became cold and distant. i became frustrated and scared. And that drenched the fire. then came the note. here you go love. i have made a decision. live with it.

I thought about apologizing to poop bag man for the snarky promises blog. That was uncalled for and selfish. But hey. he was selfish too. so it cancels out. I could listen to my heart saying be at peace. yea i think that is what i will do. Be at peace fish-girl. My actions not always pure were driven by love, a true love. a consuming love. a promised love. Thrown into an semi-receptive vessel. That happens to all of us. We live and learn. Time was not on our side.

So as day two of rebuilding my self esteem comes to a close. and i got rewarded today in big ways. Very big ways. Thank you for letting me go. and like i have said before, maybe you will be a sunny day for me again. someday.

Promises Promises

So someone broke it off with me today. Told me it just wasnt working out. Now, i kind of figured that when he started dissing me a week or two ago. but in the meantime, he did promise, i would never end this without having a talk with you. live. and guess what? he sent a note. *drumroll and symbol crash*

yea i wish i could see the humor in peoples broken promises. Never tell someone you love them, and then say, but i didn't really mean it. and if you do? dont send an email people. that is in poor taste. and is about as chivalrous as, well, its just not. Then he says lets be civil. HA! Like i want to talk to him again? Give him another second of my beautiful life? when all i did was give in the first place? Only time will tell if i can even say his name without hearing the breaking bits of my heart falling to the ground and shattering.

There could be arguments that i am too voracious a woman. I am. Life is too damn short people. and so many of us waste time wondering instead of just putting on our boots and just jumpin into the big pond. There are few rewards standing a safe distance from love. Get your feet wet. Let your toes shrivel in the wonderous depths of a love. Not dance around it like scorpions defending a patch of worthless sand. Or standing behind a glass wall, and reaching it only when we think the fire wont burn us. Its gonna be a rough sea. No matter what, and if it wasnt, why even live.

Okay wow, rambling. I was probably too much for the poor thing. But, all that said, never make a promise you are hesitant to keep. He didn't make many. But the one he did make i thought i could trust was the one he broke. And that is not a friend. NO. And i refuse to name call. But i hope he reads this and understands why his actions speak volumes about him. Volumes. Words are cheap. they are beautiful, descriptive and necessary. But without action behind them, in the scheme of togetherness, they are cheap.

Be a much truer man Love. Someday if you are supposed to be my friend again, we will meet. on a sunny day. and you will offer me your sunglasses. And i will try to remember that you actually do have a heart worthy of my knowing. Until then, you are the coward that left a paper sack of burning poop on my doorstep. and ran away with your secretary.

Love could kill you. But it wont.

The dreams i have are as light as a bubble. Just waiting to burst. i dont know why you are not willing to believe in love. our love. Intense. waiting. distant. waiting to become closer. until that moment when our planets collide, and we are a super nova. That one single moment when i finally feel your intensity opening up a new place. a new space. a relief from all the past collisons that left wreckage.

come to me lover. make me smile again. keep me laughing under the sheets. listen to my heartbeat in your ear. stop acting like those things dont matter to you. Stop pretending that your life is complete with out that love you desire. Forgive me for being so forward. i am a rocket in your orbit. the fuel you have given me is yet to be spent with you. To feel that moment when our time is soft quiet and reflective. in the wake of our collision.

come to me lover. and be mine. my friend. my confident. my dream. not the bubble. :kiss: :kiss: :kiss:

Valentine.

We are two hearts unfolding
talking, telling, minds engaging
our images in a dream seek
for an infinite possibility

We are two hearts unfolding
entwining legs and arms
to embrace our other selves.
peaceful and content to be.

We are two hearts unfolding
in this garden you are sewing
a blossom that yields a scent
intoxicating our senses.

We are two hearts unfolding
our lips are tasting its knowing
our legs fail to carry us through
getting dizzy when I breathe in you.

We are two hearts unfolding
let us not be done bestowing
all this has to become and be
the heart I have I give to thee.

Dense ~ Or Punk Pollyanna

Why the Heck am i SOOO DENSE!!!!! And freakin Gullable? New word steph, Punk Pollyanna!

So many days i so know what is happening around me. But take one conversation a few pretty passages, and I am lost again. Believing that something is true that isnt. The sense of gloom comes and i am lost. When will i wake up and smell the sweet scent of that morning? The one i wont have to get out of bed. I can stay in the arms of a lover, who actually cares about me. The one who says my name in his sleep.

Course i am talking about men here. The emotional wasteland. *rolls her eyes for effect* Dont get me wrong boys. You do get excited when the little soldier can come out and play. And get caught up in his foraging the wilderness. You have dreams of those moments.You paint pretty pictures for those maidens. But when we start to talk about it. Discuss it. Analyze it. Dream about it. You get sick to your little tummies and run home to mama! Grow up.

okay... its nothing factual, or even acurate. I am just sick of you all... i will be better after kick boxing class. *puts on extra padding today*


disclosure statement: this is a post about all the men that sponge off their girlfriends, ones that lie to get laid, ones that think that avoiding the truth is not a lie, ones that spit in public, ones that use the word ain't, ones that avoid you, ones that are ex's, ones that are professional losers, et al.

The Companion

Have I ever been in love? i am wondering. I know that I have made attempts to share my heart with the opposite sex. I have shared my body with the opposite sex. I have been so entranced by the someone that i got lost in its dream and faded away... into a person I didn't wish to be. We all share this story.

Its a story of love. But tell me readers. What is love? Is it the butterflies in your stomach? Is it the way the ass looks as it walks away from you? Is it the breath that caresses your neck as you sleep? The time you lie awake waiting to see those eyes looking at you again? Is there love in those moments? And when they do leave us, does love leave? Not really. Like all great days, the sun sets, and it fades. Its bright beautiful colors growing darker. Filling the corners with its remaining pieces of glitter and momentos. And that finally fades to. But our hearts always hold a piece of that. Like ice frozen in a rock, our love melts but it makes a space that remains with us always.

This week I have observed the evidence of love. And love lost. From the eyes of my women friends, some who are saying goodbye to their visions, perspirations and perpetual heart song flowing out to that other. The promise of the other. The being that completes ourselves. The companion makes life worth living! reminds us to sing, laugh, shave our legs, paint beautiful dreams with our words to them, about them with them. Sweet sisters. We must remember one thing. without us they would be nothing! And in leaving us for another, they have left themselves without US! a true friend and companion. But such are choices that we have no control over. Hence the pain of the greatest feeling we will ever know.

We find ways to remove ourselves from the pain. From the heartache. Taking down old images and replacing them with mirrors. To remind ourselves of our beauty. Our purpose. And our ability to overcome. Until in that mirror we see our light shining again. We put on our amour, and we saddle up to ride again across the wilderness. Looking for the companion. The other. The one that makes us laugh, sing and soar above the old pangs of love. A true, sure and honest companion.

But, damn all this waiting. Its hell on my sex life! ;-)

When I Started

i wasn't sure what to think when i started blogging. I mean, i thought, an online diary. Yea. thats it. i could just jot down thoughts of everyday life, and that would be wonderful. So i did. Then came the meme's. and then some seriously good poetry. But as you may have noticed, this arena is in a slump.

I am not sure if the events of moving so far so fast have taken away my desire to be creative here. Or if i am just worn out from moving so FAR so fast. And need that energy to just do the day to day things i must keep up with. LIke cooking, cleaning up after, and entertaining a two year old MALE. You think they are demanding as adults... ah well, the little dear is amazing really.

Time is zooming by it seems. And i am trying to get a schedule more worked out. And another month down the road, it seems to be smoothing out nicely. Another month from now, maybe i will be back together with my poetry. and amused again.

Lets hope so. i am bored with this site. as are my readers i assume since i haven't gotten any comments this week. Keep the faith, as do i. Soon you will read the exploits of a small business owner. If i have time. You know that will totally have stories to blog about for hours and hours and hours.

So i am outta here for a week or two. Thanks to the loyalty of your patronage my few fans. and see you in February sometime. If i can hold out that long! Peace to each that pass this way. Its a choice you know.

;-)

Expert Kisser !!!!

Now where is that test subject?

You're an Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

More than this

You know theres nothing
More than this...

sigh. isn't there? more than the daily struggle of just existing, and learning to accept the things we can't change? I mean come on. Dreams come true everyday. Mine are still in the progress of developing. I am learning that i may not really know what they are, because they seem to just show up after i decide something else is what i want.

Like today, my son received a new pair of Chucks in the mail from his auntie/godmother Robin. He is all excited. Now he didn't know they were coming, and yet new shoes were his dream.

i am just feeling a bit under the gun and venting. it will pass. and i had a sex dream. its kind of depressing knowing that wont happen again this year either. Or will it?

National De-Lurking Week

Need i say more? This was stolen from Sister Universe, who stole it from Rude Cactus. Which means i am going to have to do some serious Blog Surfing these next couple of days.

Name thyselves. Make me know you. And know that I appreciate your eyes scanning my thoughts. Everyday.

Okay Doc... Here's your Sign...

Post your answers

1.What's my name?

2. Are we friends?

3. When and how did we meet?

4. Do you have a crush on me?

5. Would you kiss me?

6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.

7. Describe me in one word.

8. What was your first impression?

9. Do you still think that way about me now?

10. What reminds you of me?

11. If you could give me anything what would it be?

12. How well do you know me?

13. When's the last time you saw me?

14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?

15. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?

Da Funk

You know its a bad funk, when even fresh flowers don't make you feel better. trying to remuse good readers. Keep your eyes peeled for a better me in a few. Now that the holidays are over, things should be getting back to normal.

Blog entry complete. sad huh? where did i leave my guitar and that liter of whiskey? Hmmm.....

Hello Dear Readers!

I have landed in Santa Barbara California, and on dial up! ARG!!! But thankfully back in the saddle. Looking for work in the area. As the universe sends me, so i go. I hope we manifest something permanent soon.

I am hoping you all had wonderful Christmas' with family and friends. And spread the love. We spent ours alone, me and the boy. He rode his first carousel ride, which you see here. And we took a long walk on the SB Wharf. It was a nice quiet day!

So as we ready ourselves for a New Year, I wish you all health and happiness. May you find what you desire most in the arms of the ones you love. And may there be peace that surrounds us all. And Universe? SEND ME A BABYSITTER!

See you in the New Year! Much Love.

Without a Nest

Seems my creativity is on hiatus until i find a home. Seems my mind is preoccupied with this finding a place to land. I think i know how a bird feels that is flying south for the winter. and waiting and waiting for instinct to call it home. I have been circling the SB area for about 3 weeks now. Still not a calling to a new home. I am oh so tired. But today is another day, and i am up to the challenge!

Wish me luck readers. Next post will be that i have found a place. And we can get back to the business at hand, Me assuming i am impressing you with my wit, charm, and awesome poetry!

Off to find a nest. :flap: :flap: :flap: *flys off to find her destiny-ation:

That man i left

Last night, or was it this morning? Yes its another dream post my readers. I hope you don't mind reading what goes on in my head while i am in the subconscious realm. Doesn't matter anyway, because i am going to bestow you with the wonderment of yet another mental manifestation of dreamland.

As you know, i am a single mom. My child's father is not interested in me or the child one little bit! sigh. All the better i say. And this dream reminded me of it. Like i needed a reminder. Maybe that someone in my life is reminding me of him. Not yet determined. i actually woke myself up towards the end of the dream. It was that disturbing.

He had returned. Living close by to me, if not with me! Hard to determine from the scenes there. I was at home with the baby, and I was getting ready to go to work. He shows up with a blonde. Says they are working together. Have been for sometime. I know better, because hey, i know this guy. He always lied to save face! Or whatever reason he justified at that moment. From what i remember in the dream, he and i were not involved at that moment. But he wanted something from me. And didn't want me to know that he had this girl in his life. They obviously were having sexual relations, you could tell by the way they touched each other, and the way she was staring me down. Like she had any reason to be jealous of me. :Hearty Laugh Here: but he was pulling his same old tricks. Lovey dovey mister, all the while with a knife to my back ready to stab me in the heart! He was lying to my face. And he was telling her lies about me! I started to sweat and get an upset stomach. I remember looking at my dresser and getting out a suitcase. Started packing up all my belongings. Getting really angry with myself that i let him get to me!

Outcome: I woke myself up. Life is pretty crazy for me this month. And i am stressed out about a few things. One of them being money, and i am not bitter towards him and the fact that he doesn't acknowledge the child. I don't really care to have that emotional vampire in my life anymore. But i do think that something is reminding me of him, and i must purge that from my everyday!

Then again it is probably a once in a long while occurrence that will not happen again. He is missing out on something wonderful! And until that dream last night, i don't think about him at all! i did have a conversation with a relative explaining the situation, and that may be where it came from. I feel sorry for this new girl in his life though. He will be vague, distant, and unemotional. It is his pattern. It is his choice. And no longer my problem. Until i close my eyes a few nights in a year. Or two? Been that long. I just hope this doesn't mean he is going to try and contact me. I may have to resort to a restraining order if he does. I personally don't think he has the balls, nor the energy to pursue a mosquito. But he does drink a bit, and get a little off the deep end. That is another story all together.

Must go and play with the offspring who, Praise the genetic powers, looks nothing at all like his papa. More dreams to come, sweet readers.

More dreams to come. :wink:

My Thanksgiving

So this year i was invited to go to Vallejo to meet Blogger Buddy Jason. and his lovely family! They are wonderful people. Warm, real, talented and all around really cool folks. Nice when that happens. I had no doubts seeing as Jason the cyber-bro is a right on kinda guy, (for some reason, i haven't figured out how to add links, so check out his site from my links list.) His stressed out but beautiful wife, and his smooth little operater are super as well. Not to mention Brother, sister in Law, Mom, and Stepdad. You tell them i think they are super jason. And give them a big HUG!

I have been on a wonderous journey in the last month, and it felt so nice to have dinner with a family that got along so well. No arguments, no disagreements of any serious nature, a lovely home and a fine roasted bird with all the trimmings. I normally detest the holidays. Its not my time of year. My family is a bit dramatic, and i have bad subconcious reverberation from those earlier times. Something i plan to make history in my life. I tend to be the most laid back person in the room. But I am finding more and more people in California to be the same. BIG SIGH OF RELIEF HERE! and kindred spirits.

This occasion just sealed the fact for me that I have made the right decision. That i am going in the direction I have been heading all my life. Just keep your fingers crossed for that eventual right job i am on the prowl for. It is going to happen soon. And I am ready for it.

Another day of giving thanks from me. Isn't it nice to know that you can find family no matter where you go in this world? If you really look, ask, seek, ponder, and love outright. They are all around us. Thanks for sharing Jason.

see you in Sacramento sometime! :hug:

WaCkY DrEaMs

I have dreams that keep me from sleeping well. Sometimes i wonder what dreams are telling me. As my regular readers know, i post many of them here. Here is the most recent vision.

I dreamt about traveling up hills that i was unable to climb. I was in a forest and traveling on narrow roads, sometimes only the roots of these trees to travel upon. And almost sliding off the path. That is an obvious sign to me. I am feeling like i will never reach the top of this mountain i am climbing at present.

The next element in that dream took me into a trap. This portion of the dream happened after i was avoiding a person i didn't want to be involved with. He was someone that i had been friends with. And his feelings changed. He became a stalker. (this part was obvious to me reasons not to be explained here.) Some friends of mine and i were having a party/barbeque. We were in some room together, and got trapped. We were in a chamber that was being sent out into the universe, and someone had opened a slit and all the oxygen was being sucked out. And a feeling that i was going to die from implosion. We ended up in an aliens world. Simulated to be earth. In the section we were stuck was a dock, surrounded by water. And a long table was sitting on the dock with 8 chairs. As we came in the last victims were being set free to go back from where they came. I was sent to find a way out. So as i snuck around, i found nothing but blocked passages. I could hear the voice of the Head of this world talking to the people i had traveled with. Not menancing, but forceful and demanding. I finally succumbed to my fate. But what does that mean? Am i trapping myself in a world created by others? Am i feeling that i am not in control of my life, and that is starting to feel like an alien in my life? Or is this person i am avoiding an alien, and i just don't know it!?

What are your thoughts on this? besides that i am just a freak, and need some serious medication! LOL.

Thankful

i have to make this entry. Today was another day of feeling sorry for myself. YUCK! whine whine whine. i am so bored with it! So as i rocketed my ass off the couch to take my child out for a much deserved day of fun, i started thinking of all the things i have to be thankful for!

I think a list is in order. and it will continue to grow as the days go by. But i want to make sure this is out in the universe. As i have been extremely blessed this year.

• I am thankful for my father. He has provided me with so much over the last year. and is glad to do so. Love you DAD!
• I am thankful for the Universe. It has provided me with a vision that i am accomplishing as we speak. And offered me so many perks.
• I am thankful to have family in California that i am related to.
• I am thankful to have family in California i am not related to. I love you guys! you make me feel so alive.
• I am thankful for my RP family. Man, who ever said that the internet is full of freaks and subversives never entered paradise. and if they do, the trolls are tossed aren't they good folks? I love you guys. RP changed my life.
• I am thankful to have shells in my pocket from a my sons first day at the beach. it was one of the best days i have had in a long while. with him and a friend. yea. smiling here.
• I am thankful to the lovely woman who drove me to Pismo Beach, and listened to her haggered friend bemoan a little! and let her invade her home. :hugs lex. my sistah!
• I am thankful to the woman who was so gracious and wanted my cats. And gave them a loving home.
• I am thankful for my bestest friend Kat. She is a saint! and i will miss her greatly!
• I am thankful for the time i get to be with my son. even if i am yelling at him! or tickling him. or just sleeping in the same room with him.
• I am thankful they make good wine at my sisters place of employment.
• I am thankful for my friend Wilene who talks to me about my issues. and gives me the most objective advise.
• I am thankful for my sister Robin who has so graciously let me sit in her empty house in Napa while she is on her honeymoon.
• I am thankful for musical instruments. and musicians. and friends who play music. and the music my friends share with me.
• I am thankful to my friend B. who makes me laugh on an almost daily basis.
• I am thankful to my blogger buddies who make wonderful comments here. and share their lives with me. I have learned to trust the written word thanks to you guys.
• I am thankful that i can be a woman who is thankful. And who has taken the steps necessary to change her life. despite all the odds against her. and all the naysayers. and the negatives... i say, neener neener! i did it anyway! :jump:

And i am thankful you have stayed through this list. I am thankful that i can write somewhat! it seems that this talent is working its way deeper into my soul. someday it will be on a much grander scale.

let me know one thing you are thankful for good people. did i mention i am thankful for air, stars and the full moon? and the sun.... oh i forgot one thing, and its just cuz its been too long....starts with an s. and ends with an x....ha!

take it to the stars people. we have alot to be thankful for. yea.

Unattractive

More than once in my life, i have felt unattractive. This recently happened to me again. I don't like insecurity. It puts your emotions in the hands of others. But someone I thought I knew better made me feel unattractive. I don't think it was intentional, but it happened all the same.

Why do we keep coming back to that same old issue. Childhood issues of inadequacy. I have worked through them many times in different methods. And working on it still. I see myself in a different light than others see me. I see myself internally. That picture is different than that girl i see in the mirror. Mirror girl had become a stranger to me over the last few years. See "Out of the Cave"

Now I am working on making her life anew. Learning with each step the things I need to hold onto and the things I need to let go of. I hope that you are not one of the ones I need to let go of. But if I continue to feel inadequate around you, this will not be a path I will follow. My time is so precious to me now. And I want people around me that hold me as the gift i can be. And a friend to me as well as to themselves.

Be there for me friend. don't use me or turn away from me when things get difficult. I work hard at keeping an eye out for my co-hearts. And know that the balance in the universe will require the same for the people in my life.

Peace.

self doubt. and coming into my own.

When you think the world has you by the short hairs, and it just can't get any worse, open your eyes and realize that it may be the one thing that is going to point your focus in the right direction. it spurned me onto the next phase of life. and what an adventure it is going to be! I am still not sure how to take it. But taking it I am!

I had bad visions the other night demons.
polluting my being with self doubt.
but i am coming into my own.
this is only a test. and i beat it. for today.

Open the door, and let the times roll in
because i saw a sign, and made it mine
it took a cannon to get me off my ass
but off my ass i am in one smooth motion

across this vast buena vista we call earth
to visit a new home i have known all along
my life is waiting for me there in a cocoon.
and the transformation is a lifes breath.

i walked into the arms of a friend
and felt at home for a moment
that moment will be with me for now
and for tomorrow, and for tomorrow

I will not look at that moment always
but keep it close inside my heart song
this road is leading me on to the stage
where i am going to stand and sing

breathing and waiting, peaceful at last
even amidst the storm that rages inside.
for you know that my smile is a beacon
my light is a guiding force for its arrival

Life take me with you there
love keep me with you here
time make me worthy of you
dreams be a reality some day.

Just Funky and Orange

So Jenn.... Here is what mine says. Think its true?

Its friday people. Lets get FUNKY!

Your Hair Should Be Orange

Expressive, deep, and one of a kind. You pull off "weird" well - hardly anyone notices.

What's Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

trees

The trees have been speaking with me this month. images appear in bark and in the formations..

When i was at the SFM, i found myself sitting on the porch alone. Feeling settled. Satisfied. At home in my skin. I looked out to the fire, and in between me and the fire was a pine tree. In the bark of the tree was a face. It was looking right at me as if to say, do you see me? i am talking to you. I was frozen here for an hour waiting. i have something to tell you. I picked up my sketch pad, and quickly sketched his face. He was peaceful, winking, knowing me inside.

Then today, i looked out to the yard and saw a branch on the pecan tree, and it was a woodpecker. It was naturally shaped into a form of a bird. i sat there and stared. I couldn't take my eyes off of it! I wonder if it will be there tomorrow? I will still be looking for it.

The trees are talking to me. I hope they are a symbol of guidance and ever watching guardians of what is before me. I feel free and wise. And able to work at whatever it takes. Knowing i am being guarded by the ancients.

sleep well all that pass here. See the trees not the forest. They are trying to say something to you.

I hear that train a comin...

it´s rolling round the bend
and I ain´t seen the sunshine since I don´t know when,
I´m stuck in Folsom prison, and time keeps draggin´ on
but that train keeps a rollin´ on down to San Anton..

My current habitation is 3 blocks from the main train tracks in my town. All night long i hear them rumble through carrying cargo to Dallas/Houston and beyond. And tonight it brought to mind that song. I feel that this town is a prison for me.

When i originaly came to Conroe it was as an unwilling 13 year old. Moving from the suburbs of Cincinatti Ohio, to a small southern Texas town! I was excited thinking about all the old fashioned ideas people have of Texas. Envisioning terrains that look more like El Paso, than one hour north of the over developed swampland called Houston. I am a dreamer/idealist.

I got here, and went directly into culture shock! It was nothing like what i expected. I came from a progressive learning school to the deep south, where men are men, and women better learn to like it existence. I was not happy. Nor was i well accepted. And that didn't bother me too much. Where i came from, i had a large group of friends that i had grown up with. And that i played with, went to church with, etc. I didn't find really anyone the caliber of that life. so five years here, i grew up. Finally found some people in High School on the swim team i could relate to. and bond with. And finally finally ran as quickly as i could to college.

Now this time i have been stuck in this small town because of my circumstances. I had to stay close to my parents for my babies sake, and mine. We needed the support. My job and my life in this town had dragged me into a cultural abyss. so bad i spent most of my time online with my friends chatting and listening to my favorite music. "RP has changed my life." And visiting them in California for the first time. And then to a wedding in Napa in September. I fell in love with the people and the terrain. And have been thinking about it since last summers family reunion. I swore i would never live in California. Never say never people. I am on the move. To the Golden State.

My life is changing rapidly! For some reason the universe is spitting me out of here like a cannonball! No train could take me away faster. And i think i set this in motion without even trying to. But here i go...out of folsem prison blues to a new life in California. Wish me luck. and look for me there.

I wont be posting a blog again from this state. My next blog post will be from Sunny CA! yea man, groovy!

Seven Things Meme.

I borrowed it from Painting Chef. If you have never seen her blog, check my links list. She is a sassy one. So here is my contribution to the meme consortium.

7 Things I Can Do:
1. Roll my tongue.
2. Sing & play guitar. I love it. I do it...alone mostly.
3. I can make a mean Beef Wellington ~ I love to cook.
4. Fish. I love to go fishing. for some reasons the fish love me too.
5. Draw/paint Not excellent, mostly things that come out of my imagination. I have a hard time rendering. I see things differently.
6. Talk on the phone and work at the same time.
7. Make people laugh. Belly laugh.


7 Things I Cannot Do:
1. play the piano.
2. Surf
3. Sit still/pay attention for long periods of time.
4. Tolerate Ignorance.
5. wait in line peacefully.
6. surgery.
7. know when to shut up.

7 Things That Attract Me to the Opposite Sex:
1. Lips. oh yea...ummmmm lips....
2. Eyes...even better.
3. A sense of Humor, probably the most important thing.
4. Someone who loves music. all types of music.
5. Someone that is patient, cuz I can be a spaz.
6. Affection. they have to be on the affectionate side. I like to touch.
7. Wisdom. Intelligence. Someone that thinks for themselves. and expresses it without judgment.


7 Things That I Say Most Often:
1. hell, yea.
2. AUSTIN! (my sons name at a loud volume, like he can't hear me. LOL)
3. amen.
4. Hey!
5. What?
6. Water
7. Just a minute...

7 Celebrity Crushes:
1. Tim Roth, I know, I am weird.
2. George Clooney. looks and a sexy voice.
3. Patrick Stewart. Make it so number one.
4. Jake Gyllenhaal sad he is only going to get better looking as he gets older.
5. Carmine Giovinazzo...currently on CBS series: my roommate says I like skinny geeky guys. LOL
6. Viggo Mortensen when he is scruffy.
7. Denzel Washington. That man is SEXY!

7 Things I Plan to do Before I Die:
1. Fall in Love
2. Publish a book of Poetry
3. Paint a mural
4. Go to Italy
5. Record an album, alone or with someone.
6. Live on the beach.
7. Give my son a great life.

7 People I Want to do This:
I am not going to do another list of people. Just do it. Its an easy blog entry.

A five year old dreams. And holds her breath. Forever.

Something I dreamt as a child that scared me my whole life. I dreamt that I was the last woman on the planet . I lived underground in a cave with a ladder that lead to the surface. The surface above was covered with sick people. (okay before I go on, I was 5 years old when I dreamt this ~ NO LIE!) and I was responsible for bringing back a normal race of people ie: procreating.

I had no idea what that meant at the time of course, procreation! It scared the piss out of me. The reason I tell this is because after that dream all the lessons and things I learned I have kept in a certain perspective. People are sick inside. They are constantly trying to better themselves. Some do it in a healthy manner and some don't. I felt i had to listen to them all to find out what they are saying. or at least try to. And learn from the mistakes I made. And the mistakes they make. Learning that all people deserve attention. despite their shortcomings. If you listen to them with your full heart, you can learn their truths. And possibly heal yourself. or them in the process.

Some day this dream will come true. in what avenue i don't know. i just hope that i am strong enough to handle the real deal.

more dreams as they come people... sigh. Keep the intrigue alive i say! dream on sistah!

Two Women, Both me.

Last night, another dream permeated the memsahibs soul. And so it goes...

Sitting at a spirtual gathering, a spiritual knowledge-fest. In uncomfortable chairs. Having to go to the bathroom. Now i don't know what the signifigance is of the bathroom in dreams (other than the body saying, its time to go) but they occur frequently for me. I rose at an unappropriate time to go. Only letting one person in at a time says the gate keeper. I enter. As always in my dreams, its messy and wide open! no privacy. so what, nature calls and i respond.

Upon leaving i find that four women dressed in evening gowns (assuming i am part of these glam gals) leave the get together. As we hit the streets on our way to a party this series of events occur. One of the women wants to play a joke on the local call girl/ red light abode. Knocks on the door disguises her voice with an absurd and outragous request. We decide to leave her to her fate, and continue. Now there are three.

A second one wanders off, to we know not where. Then there are two.

The last two enter the building where the party is in full swing. In the lobby is a beautiful gold plated mirror, floor to ceiling. The women, one a young eager spirited redhead is discussing the man she is meeting at the party. His charms and wisdoms. And his spirit. She also goes on to describe an exmate of the older one who has recently been separated and is interested in seeing this older redhead. Beyond excited the younger girl says. They both turn to the mirror for the final "Do i look fabulous" reflections I look into the eyes of the older more nervous woman, knowing exactly what she is feeling. As she looks to the younger girl to bask in her youthful spirit and enthusiasm, i realize that both these women are me. And i continue to mess with my HAIR! tee hee... looking fabulous in both reflections.

I awake with a smile, and ponder. write in my journal to retain this memory. I am both the older and younger versions of this fiery redhead. Wise and youthful. Anticipating with unquestioning suspense and cautious. Having the new and the old in balance. My next phase will take all these aspects into test. and make it a new and wonderful picture that i can hang on my wall someday, and say, i knew you when. I am a woman in balance. A two sided coin.

And with that i move into the hurry up and wait for the next enlightening dream leading me further and further towards the ultimate destiny. Sooner than later it seems. Halla freakin luyah!

and so it goes and goes and so it goes.. and i with it!

Trust

Who can i trust? besides myself, who can i trust?

do you always say whats in your heart.
do you always say whats in your heart.
do you always say whats in your heart?

more and more the times are coming.
and faster than before to me
i am feeling lost and out of control

but knowing trusting the path is clear
and i must follow it despite warning
it has come to me without looking

awake and wandering down to meet
the time i am about to enter there
wondering what other paths will open

up and down the road i will travel
looking into eyes i have in common
making connections to fresh warming

lives that will touch mine forever
and make this a new day forever
can i trust myself with you again?

one can go and one can stay
one can leave to make another play
one will always be with my soul.

i am not here nor am i really alive
i just exist. and make the most of it.
so i go into the storm armed and ready.

Timeline

When i was in the first grade on the chalkboard was a ruler, and a list of the numbers from 1 to 100. I memorized it. I had a photographic memory of it. i am not sure why this came into my head today. but as i remember that line, and the vivid numbers, there were areas that were grey. like chunks of time that had grey boxes around them. Now this was in my head. Not on the actual chart. As a child that meant nothing to me. it was just a way for me to remember the numbers and recall them. As i have been traveling through these numbers in terms of years, i can find where the grey areas are. What years i spent lacking one thing or another. Time spent in darkness. Times spent in light. what signifigance is this now!? Is it that i see a light patch and i am heading out of the grey numbers? i don't remember seeing any grey numbers in the lower 50's and on. Is this my time to shine? Or is it the time i have finally reached where the lessons are beaten into me and i have learned to make my heart sing? is it that i am going to die? is it that something new is here to stay? how long do we question the wisdom of predestiny? i have no doubts that my next move is the right one across many levels. it is too miracle ridden and freaky not to be the real deal.

so here we go a surfing again and again. i am ready to climb every mountain in my path to reach it. and you whomever you are. you loom around the perimeter. you light every once in awhile. and when i catch a glimpse of what it could be, i smile. and when i don't i smile too. all is right. all is well. all is now! and now is where i want to be. keep those smiles coming. its time for me to share mine. and it will come. as all good things do. in time.

SFM

Well, i am back. and what a wonderful trip it was!

thursday i got fired from my job. the same day i was expecting my friend to fly in and drive to the SFM with me. Now when he called me to let me know his progress, i had to share that info with him. So he wouldn't be shocked later. And being that i couldn't have a beverage until i picked him up from the airport i was a little anxious. A smooth transition at the passanger pick up and we were off. I took him to a new pub in our town to watch the end of the ASTROS WIN! and then out to the lake to see what that was like. ended up in the redneck bar that i love to take people too...and off home. i was finally numbed out from my news earlier that day. and he was relaxed that i didn't turn out to be a super freak!

So Friday, travel to Louisiana. Since work was not an issue, we had a leisurely morning packing and leaving. Good thing, since i was still numb from the night before...tee hee. And off we went. i had picked a back road route, as i detest main highways and avoid them. It was the same amount of time either way on the road, and i just love going through little towns, and seeing old courthouses etc. Its always nice to hear people say, I never knew Texas was so beautiful. it really is people.

The trip was shorter than we expected. 4 hours instead of 6, and when we rolled into town a few hours earlier, no one complained. and we proceeded to meld into the company that had already arrived. it was instantly a family! and the family grew as the night progressed. One thing to say about the people here, its wonderful that we just choose to get along. And how much in common we have through music, with music, or without! We just knew the right mix of people had showed up. And we went with it.

Saturday. Woke up with a start. thinking to myself i am not going to miss one moment of this trip by resting it away! It was massage day. i was the only one who didn't get a massage. I couldn't afford it. but didn't say that outloud, for it would have been offered to me, and i was not in a taking mood that day. Everyone was sooooo relaxed. I took a long ride with a girlfriend of the host (shelia), to pick up things we needed, and live bait. that was one of the most pleasant rides i had since maybe friday with B. Since we baked before we left, i was relaxed and giggling. Surreal small towns in Louisiana. We returned, and as the people got massages, i fished. Went out on the canoe. Helped with lunch. hell i think i took a nap while brandon was getting a massage. That night, Jammin on the porch! i love music, and i love musicians. i want to be one someday! LOL. Sang my heart out when i could remember the lyrics. Hugs to the musicians and to the man with the most honest eyes i have ever seen, Jay! The night included the GHOST CANOE ride. now let me tell you about that:

Shelia says, its midnight canoe ride time. i say Hell yea! Anna, Shelia, Deb and I get into this boat and launch. we get about 20 feet from the dock. and its like we are on another fricken planet! We cant stear (my bad) we can't talk, all we can do is giggle. and i mean gut wrenching, nonsensical, out of control teenage girly giggling. on a mature level of course. and as i was supposed to be stearing the boat, it was all downhill. i was incapable. we did figure 8's for about 30 minutes before we could finally land the Canoe with assistance from the lovely shear bear at the dock! in the meantime we made great jokes about everything, and enjoyed every single minute of it. we collapsed onto that deck like sacks of potatoes. still laughing so loud people were laughing at us! SERPENTINE LADIES, SERPENTINE! hell yea!

Sunday was the most relaxing day. Arnie and sheri had to leave for dallas, but left us an arsenal of leftovers. so we still ate so well! Edie drove up from dallas, and we had a nice chat, a long walk, and got to know her. After our picture taking walk, we went back to the cabin. i went straight out to the dock to try and catch some of the fishes. I managed to mame about 6 of them within the weekend. they were all small brim and perch. so the hooks were sticking them in the sinuses. could have caught about six more, i was speaking fishese that day. but i was getting disturbed about hooking their eyeballs everytime. Although a crowd all gathered on the dock to watch. Lynne caught a fish, Shelia caught some fish too. Brandon and i decided not to take off to Dallas, spend one last night in this magical place. And we did, and it was grand. relaxing and peaceful. Just anna, deb, lynne, brandon, oh meri and melissa stayed an extra night too! and of course our most excellent host Paula, who is a wonderful human being. and a damn fine musician in her own right.

now my story may not include everything that happened, and may not be in chronological order. but it was a fine fine weekend. and there were tears when we had to seperate and go back to our lives that make weekends like this one possible. thanks to brandon for traveling/being with me. Thanks to arnie for freakin everything you are! and thanks to sheri, little cutie, for sharing him with us. thanks to Melissa for making me laugh outloud and wet my drawers. Thanks to meri for glowing all weekend long! thanks to anna for being a best friend. thanks to shelia for being my pisces sistah, and the canoe/bait trips. thanks to deb for being there for paula, and letting us get to know you! thanks to lynne for the video capture, and the laughs. thanks to edie for driving all that way on Sunday, so i could hug your neck. And thanks to me for driving to and from one of the most wonderful experiences i have had with people in a long time. Last but definitely not least, Paula. You are a live wire my friend. And one of the most interesting women i have met in a long time. Thanks for suggesting this, and trusting your instincts. you ROCK! and we love you for it.

Summation: I love these people. When i first started listening to RP, i loved the music. About a month later, i started journaling. A month after that, i went into the AU and balls to the wall posted. Now you can see i am not the most eloquant writer. But i was determined to get to know these people. and guess what!? now i do. More and more each day, i am surrounded by this wonderful family. Thank you all for accepting me as i am and letting yourselves be who you are, MORE MEETUPS PLEASE! the sooner the better!

Lovely readers, do this while i am gone!

This is from the Anna BetterDaze blog. i love this one. short and sweet. and i can keep a record of music i need to get :wink:
And since my mind is gone already to the campout this weekend, i thought this would be nice to come home too!

Only rule:
1. Answer the following A-D for me.

A. Recommend a book and tell me why:

B. Recommend a movie and tell me why:

C. Recommend a cd/album and tell me why :

D. Ask me anything, unless it would embarass another person:

check back tuesday or wednesday...and also, put this on your own blog if you are inspired to do so.

thanks as always for you input. memsahib.

Its almost here.

In one week i am going to a meetup with some of my RPeeps. These are some of the finest human beings on the planet. each and everyone of them. I am lucky they call me friend. and let me share my sassy self outloud and for real. and bonus, like my last RP trip to Pasadena, i get a traveling companion! yea. life is sweet in the big top. and this show is going on the road!
Through beautiful east texas forests to a hallowed camping area that will make up a magical weekend. The food it going to be spectacular. the music, not recorded. Live, created as we go by local and traveling musicians. i hope we get some great new tunes out of it. and i get to introduce my best friend Kat to the RP community that she hears so much about. you guys will love her! and her man.

i will be sure to post pics and a lengthy story upon my return. wish everyone could come.

P.S. Stu, if i was a rich woman, i would have bought you that ticket to come. sorry. not my wealthy lifetime i suppose! :HUG:

Another Dream. Of You

We were riding in your car. And for some reason, when I dream of you, you don't look like yourself. But it is you. Your spirit is there. Your eyes yet to be determined. Today you were a redhead. and you had a pointed goatee. your today blue eyes were piercing my soul. You had a destination in mind but wouldn't tell me. devilish grin. We drove for a long time. We ended up in a wooded area, with a lovely waterfall. High above the stream. When we got there we laid out on the grass and you explained things to me. Things I wanted to hear and things that you wanted to say. I never said more than two or three words. I was feeling at ease that you were finally telling me about your life. i was dressed in a white cotton gown, and it was flowing around me as the wind blew by. You commented on it. I blushed. As we got back in the car to return I had a terrible feeling I would never see you again. You had a devilish grin on your face, and were silent on the way back. and then as dreams do, I was swifted off into another tangent.

the sad part of this dream was that you were driving a charger! yea, a charger. Innocent times in dreamland. I woke feeling unsure of anything. I must have fallen asleep like that too.

todays vision: keep the faith alive. who knows what life has in store for a girl in a white flowing cotton gown, with lovely soulful blue eyes and a golden heart.

talking to myself and feeling old.

Sometimes I'd like to quit, nothing ever seems to fit... Remember that Carpenters song? sigh. rainy days and Mondays always get me down. Todays feeling: beaten.

i am so wasted on the half truths of life. and the people in it. Say it people. Shit or get off the pot! lets make some noise while we are here to make it! course i am the voracious redhead this week. Feeling all about myself. and in wonder of how the day to day populous doesn't just rise up and beat down the rest of the populous. course its been a while since i had a reason to love. Or had a day of true peace from sunup to sundown. things are actually pretty great for me right now considering the whole instead of the parts. but i could use a serious change of scenery right now. and considering how to make my escape. to california. it seems to be my destiny.

so heres to planning my escape into another realm of beauty. maybe i will write another poem this week. yea. that always makes me feel spicy. kisses to my RPeeps. see what happens when i don't get to see you guys for a few weeks? the sass factor has risen to intolerable levels. I apologize to whomever gets rolled over by the memsahib tsunami! its going to happen. but at least there is some awesome surf in the waves. :wink:

and to my special friend who puts up with my stuff way more than he should. i apologize for second guessing all the time. its the flawed brain o'mine! you deserve a crown. and a hug.

and to my friends that are coming to the SFM, its not soon enough. i need my RP fix! and Bro Bear, you better be creative and get yourself on the move to Louisiana. you need to be there. much love to all that happen here.

Archived Gems.

I was tagged by my RP buddy NWG. and its time to liven up this joint. it felt good to be self indulgent though...

The Rules:
1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same.

My 5th sentence from my 23rd blog entry dated June 29th, "Blogging the new Corked Bottle in the Ocean": (don't know how to link yet)
the internet holds a vast network of emotions, visions, and pontifications.

a great metaphor for what has become a serious addition to my life. maybe even change it forever. If i ever publish those hot steamy poems of mine...yea baby.

tag? whose left? Lexi, Pilate (who has not blogged in MONTHS!), brandon step up! and new to the game, STU!!!! come on with it peeps. stu, you are going to have to make something up. but hey, you can be trusted. :wink:

how can i believe you. you aren't here.

How will i ever feel again?
he took all i had and then some.
my soul was putty in his hands
no reason other than i put it there.

i could have said no.
i could have been removed.
i would have been happier
i would have been safer.

i know that life is for living
every day is an experiment
for a power struggle and truth
without a safety net to rely upon.

i was naive, and believed him
every word he said to me
it was a dream i was living in
i loved him with my heart so.

he saw that and took me there
where he could have what he said
what he wanted and more
and when i cried he left me

step away from the love of a woman
who keeps her heart on the outside.
it makes for rough and tumble climbing
mountains that once scaled defy description

how will i believe you? i wont again
is it true what i see and feel here
or just another illusion of a man
taking what he feels he is entitled too.

yet i put the cynic to the side
and make room for the hope
waiting for the warmth of your sun
shining on my life giving it life.

and still they come like the minions
to gawk and stare at your exposure.
making a mockery of your love
in broad exposure and no remorse.

leave me in my cocoon, exit softly
for your love is nothing and nowhere.
it leaves a bitter taste to the needy.
and makes a mockery of my spirit.

my beauty awakens in its own time
with a life of its own, a picture there
do you deserve its passion or play
who is to say for sure. not me.

the time is fleeting for the winged
specimens that hold you to the light.
you have no soul for those in flight
leave them to the appreciative.

keep your hands out of the fire.
you have become the hunter
with a net and a flashlight trap
and a reason to mount your prey

make it momentous my love
make it a moment unfounded
for these are the only moments
you will hold for your lifetime.

" be careful how you bend me
be careful how you send me
be careful how you end me
be careful with me."

i trusted you. i trusted you.
how do fools live day to day?
i don't think they do.
i think they learn to live with tears.

as i have learned to live with mine.

dreamers kiss

My lips are moist with
the lucious anticipation of
your breath against them
the taste of desire awaits

in a dream i call to them
reaching out to touch yours
with fingertips light as a breeze
soft caress against your warm sigh

to sing a song with mine
a song my heart keeps writing
words into the air are alive
your soul sings this song with me.

i want to hear the words
your lips sing along with mine
together as our eyes meet in time
opening doors that seal our tomorrows

painted and perfect waiting in the garden
catching the smile that melts the cold
never wanting it to be and yet i know
if it doesn't, my life is incomplete.

you woke me in the morning of the night
whispering in my ear from so far away.
taking my dreams to you and setting fire
to the desires we both deny to be real.

let us be for now, let us be forever
let us be us for ourselves and smile
our lips so close our breath is stilled
waiting for the perfect moment to sing.

a song our dreamers kiss unites
our lives bound in wisdom beyond our souls
how do we catch our words or speak them
tell me my sweet soul. i rely on your vision

unspoken and true. alive and real
waiting to see what your eyes tell me
how mine respond to them alike
how mine respond in kind. in kind...

its a dreamers kiss that stands here
a kiss responding outside boundaries
making itself alive in my blood.
it will not die until passed between us.

the door is open

You have opened a door in me and it stands open for anyone to walk through. that love is meant for you, but fear that the flower will be plucked by another. you pushed it through the dirt. you made its presence known. i wish things were different but only time will tell where the rain comes from. Seems someone else has decided this one for us. it has wings around it. i hear the flutter of them in my ears. it is up to us to make sure we handle it well. i hope that i am up to the challange. Because i feel weak. and tired. and afraid to say too much in any direction. but that will pass. as will my anxiousness. in time. sweet wonderful time. in which we can be friends and sing songs together. and just be. :wink:

lyrics

yes we will always be friends.
Is that all i want from this hour ?
can i say goodbye and follow my feet.
my head tells me to look again.
how do i learn to stand still?

how do i let the sun shine on me?
will i ever wake with a taste of you on my lips
and if not, will that satisfy me? i dont know.
questions today. many questions inside my head
circling like sharks. waiting for blood to flow.

flee, i want to flee.
flee to find one who wants me
flee to make sure i can have me
flee into my sensual me.

flee i want to flee
flee to your side so you see me
flee to make it all right for we
flee from another day in limbo.

complications of times and circumstance
difficult for your ears to hear me.
walking in a waking dream we both are
wandering off in directions together.
let these nomads take note of time.

sharing special moments that breathe
their own life into the times we share
the times that are bound to bring us
together slamming into the future
ringing clear and loud like a bell

flee i want to flee.

insecurity.

its killin my spirit. i have always been insecure. even as a wee lass. its time to take some inventory. K? k.

I AM A SINGLE MOM
check and double check. this is an overwhelming lifestyle. i don't know what i was thinking when i made the decision. its the right one. i am moving ahead nicely. but damn if i don't have days when all i want to do is run away. into anything with anyone. and that makes me feel inadequate. why don't i feel alive with this being at all times? i am rough on me.

I AM AN ARTIST
now i am not a great master. i am a graphic artist. i do catalogues, flyers, take pictures, some web work. I love to paint and don't do that right now. i feel lost there. i pull out the paper and paints. and end up making silly little drawings of hearts or fishes. now they are beautiful little pieces, but not as i used to do. Large canvases covered in globs of wonderous colors. under the hands of a passionate young woman who was tough as nails. and still soft in the middle. she is napping now. i must wake her.

I AM A WOMAN
oh yea. we all know that by now. after the birds and bees entry. no doubt about it. proud to be most days. sure doesnt help in the salary game though. and that really pisses me off. there are advantages though and disadvantages to all the aspects of either sex. One beauty of being a woman besides the baby thing, is that we are stronger than men. much stronger emotionally. i find that comforting seeing as i am a mess right now. i couldn't imagine having to go through this being a man. no way!

I AM ALONE
in a sense we all are. but being alone is tough too. no kind words at the end of the day. No hugs before sleeping. or sweet kisses. it is starting to put evil faces in my dreams. scary dark places my subconcious is going i refuse to follow. hence i don't sleep much. and that makes the self doubt thing even worse.

okay so here are the mind talk moments.
(definition of mind talk: things your mind tells you that just drag you down. and aren't true.)

i will never be a good mother.
i am not a talented artist.
i am just a woman.
i am not enough for anyone to love.

the mind plays tricks on us people. i am working on not buying into that whole game it wants to trick me with. i am the keeper of this flame and must keep the light during the raging storms of doubt and evil faces. Wish me luck people. i have long haul still, and am growing weak. powers that be, send me some reinforcements. i need water. desparately need water. and love.

i hear your voice

i hear your voice as i read your words.
I hear your voice as i sing the songs
i hear your voice.

its alive in my head,
sings to me when i am tired
calms me as i go to bed.

reminds me that things are fine
cautions me on too much wine,
releases me into the air.

i come back again and again
just to hear your voice.
on the machine in my head

i hope it stays here
for it soothes my soul
and i am at peace.

hearing your voice in my head.
wanting you to hear mine.
my voice inside your head.

the bees have it. the birds have it.

the body follows the scent of you
its longing takes its own directions
looking as it has not eaten for years
never been filled to satisfaction

i feel your body beside me in a dream
the warmth of its fur and energy
not moving towards me but with me.
learning its curves slowly with purpose.

i don't know if that dream will come
to my doorstep or in my window.
or if it will always remain outside
looking up as a lover in despair.

but like a fool i will chance its time
keep my candle burning in the window
calling your spirit to join me here
in a dance that has already bound us

i want to melt into you, feel that heat
intent on your turns and troubles
wanting to aleviate your concerns
make you smile for an hour or so.

and let you show me there is hope
for anything beautiful to be alive
inside each others souls for now
winding ourselves tighter in that net.

Out of the Cave.

i heard some words today
that came out of my mouth
surprising i had become her
that woman i didn't know at all

a woman who had to run
as soon as the door opened
for her that road was the only way
she had to leave that place

he kept her lonely and captive
in a dream that turned stale
and a life that was a prison
and he was the guard

you can never say love
is a mistake that you made
it is the heart you have and
shared with trust and compassion

as he walked across that line
to make my heart a piece of trash
i made a cave and crawled inside.
sat in the dark staring at the spark

i have never made a move again
to love or make a love interest.
i can love you with all my heart
but know this now any one

this fence may seem delicate
but it is strong like a web
and makes a beautiful sound
when plucked like a guitar string

your hand may be attracted
to its shine and glimmer
but it is not moving without
some gentle songs and words

it is a dream and yet tangible
its a smoke screen made of steel
and it protects a heart of gold
that is willing despite its dents

walk softly and sure
make your intentions pure
and at the end of the day
all her light will shine your way.

Conversations

what would i do without them now.
it seems they permeate my soul
as I walk through my day its all I know
talking to myself as people stare
making me unable to care
what they are thinking, its all mine
I am enjoying every second it lasts

more time to be with a like mind
making jokes and smiling at all things
sighing when the moment is right
feeling the energy surging through
the light emitted into my face.
it is a tangible force you make
with all the complications intact.

I know what my smile is from today
a combination of wishes come true
and the time I have with you
turning me out and turning me in
upside down flying in the wind
freedom to feel all things around me
Not to be afraid of myself anymore

wisdom is your gift,
compassion is your art
peace is your vision
and purpose is your part.
smiling is the wardrobe
you put on for the world
and wear so well.

thanks for always listening
and hearing me in return
reading the words I have written
keeping me up till dawn
but most of all I wish you...

"Peace and love
Tears of joy
Kindness of strangers
All of your roads
Paved in gold
By guardian angels
Wherever you may be in this world
My salutation says it all
May you always have enough
Peace and love"

Here's to the conversations that rally our souls and our lives together. Cheers.

The New Hunter Gatherers

I was thinking today about how men's and women's roles are changing. More and more men stay at home, while the women go out and work for a living...what is that all about? Have we taken away the reason for men to get out and work? Is it really anyone's fault? Just reaching out for some answers. Wondering where all this is going...in a rhetorical sense.

any ideas? or am i totally off base? just thinkin out loud. ;-)

ITS FRIDAY!

You know, i am just sayin!

Always always has been my favorite day of the week. Its the day when everyone at work, no matter what, is in a good mood. When you leave early to start your weekend. Its Payday! you know that extra $1.50 is great at happy hour, or dinner out! Its the night of the week for mindless partying, because you are too tired for a major event. Well, unless of course that is the only night that particular event is happening. But dress up events on Friday, like the opera, or symphony, thats just asking for naptime during the event.

It marks a passage into the weekend, and that is always a pleasant air. I have nothing planned for tonight, and i am soooo glad! Have a great weekend all campers and campees!

Safe journeys to your particular events, and no drinking and driving. Give the cab drivers something to do. ;-)

Tagged for Five, by NWG

10 Years Ago Today
I was living in Dallas Texas, working for Ernst & Young's marketing department. Hating working in the corporate structure. And wishing i had a job i could make my own hours. Spent a lot of time lamenting through alcohol, the loss of my ex. Driving a really bad car.

5 Years Ago
I was selling men's suits at Foleys, Northpark in Dallas. I was doing really well, work wise, but hated retail. Living with my man at the time, who was sporatically working. Partying too much. Deciding that i didn't like my man too much.

1 Year Ago
I am a mother of a one year old boy, rebuilding my career as a graphics designer. Wondering how i am ever going to make it as a single mother, but fascinated by the progress of the little man, and his mind. Making plans of where we would be in the next five years.

Yesterday
I went to an old neighbors house for dinner. These people had 3 kids that i babysat. Only one of them was there, with three of her 5 kids. All grown up. I can still see her little face all smart and smiling. Beautiful. We swam in the pool, went out on the lake for a boat ride, ate dinner, lit sparklers. And our parents reminisced about all the stupid things they did together. And promised to go out again soon.

Tomorrow
I am at my job, my boss is gone all week, so i am SLACKIN SUPREMO! Poetry, blogs, freelance projects...Yea!

5 Snacks I enjoy
1. cheese
2. microwave kettle corn
3. teddy grahams
4. baked lays any flavor
5. fresh fruit, seasonal choices.

5 Bands That I Know The Lyrics to Most of Their Songs
1. The Who
2. Peter Gabriel
3. Dan Fogelburg
4. Elton John
5. Billy Joel

5 Things I Would Do With $100,000,000
1. Buy my parents a house in CA
2. Pay off all of my debt. to everyone. especially friends and family
3. Take my baby on a trip around America. A long road trip. maybe a year.
4. While my house was being built in Austin, TX on Lake Travis.
5. Have a Huge RP Bash in my new house in Austin. and it would last a week! i will cover all expenses! YEA!

5 Locations I'd Like To Run Away To
1. Italy
2. London
3. Key West
4. Switzerland
5. did i say London?

5 Habits I Have
1. Laughing at everything
2. Being Lazy
3. not cleaning up the clutter, see previous post!
4. saying whatever pops into my head.
5. grinding my teeth.

5 Things I Like Doing
1. Absolutely nothing, watching my kid play.
2. Talking to my friends
3. Hours between the sheets.
4. Laughing.
5. going on road trips

5 Things I Would Never Wear
1. Thong
2. a mini skirt, now.
3. white pumps, amen jen
4. yellow
5. the color lime.

5 TV Shows I Like
1. "Medium"
2. almost any stand up on comedy Central
3. Survivor...ouch
4. Wheel of Fortune
5. Oprah, if its a good one.

5 Movies I Like
1. Benny & Joon
2. The Big Blue
3. The Red Curtain Trilogy: "Strictly Ballroom", "Romeo+Juliet", "Moulin Rouge" amen here Jen.
4. Anything Disney, pretty much. anything.
5. The Color Purple.

6. Raising Arizona, is my all time favorite, still laugh at it movie. sorry had to add one...:wink:

5 Famous People I'd Like To Meet
1. Nicholas Cage
2. Johnny Depp
3. Patty Griffin
4. The Coen Brothers
5. A number of musicians, Todd Snyder tops the list.

5 Biggest Joys At The Moment
1. I am moving in with a friend in October
2. Listening to my child laugh out loud
3. A trip in Sept to Napa, my sis is finally getting married. And a trip in OCT to meet up with some of the people in the next line!
4. The idea of all the friends I've made through RP, and some through blogging, as well as other friends of mine. ditto Jen...
5. Eating good meals, and still losing weight! i love WW.

5 Favorite Toys
1. My new G5.
2. a new nissan, this week
3. my kid. Austin
4. Pool Noodles.
5. did i mention my new G5?

thanks NWG! i don't have many people left to tag that haven't done this. So let the games move on! If you have a list, list it! i would love to see Research Guy do it, but i think that he was already tagged. As was BHD.

Surprise me people. i love you all, you know it. ;-)

voracious

yea thats me. I want to eat the world alive. i fear that i will not have enough time to do all the everythings i have in my head to accomplish. so what is it i want to do? Lets see:

• I would like to build a sound stage, and watch people shoot movies, etc.
• I would love to write an albums worth of songs. And record it.
• I am going to write a book someday. But the premise is still on the horizon. Damn muses.
• I would love to travel for about 12 months following the seasons, and recording my adventures. Spend one month in a different place, and meet people. Recording everyday life, and then some. Making a documentary.
• I would like to find someone to love completely. Yea, like that love you don't have to think about. it just is.
• I would like to sit on a hill someday with a great spiritual advisor. and listen to the earth move.
• I would like to sail in a large ship, for a month. and be on the water for that long. to get away from land. To see the depths of the ocean. and feel what that feels like.

and the remainder of the list? build a piece of furniture. Paint a mural on a wall. Have a house on the beach with a studio, to paint and write in. i wonder how many of these things i could combine at once? that would save me time to move on to the real task at hand. Being two parents at once. Scary. I miss that little booger during the day, but i know he is much safer at daycare! tee hee...here is to our dreams. I needed some on Thursday. Friday still seems so far away right now.

and its on to the next one... ;-)

Happy Birthday to You

Two years ago today, i went to the hospital, and spit out an offspring. This is the result of 20 hours of labor. Ain't he sweet!? Yea. Being a mom is a big job. Being a single mom is an even bigger one. But hey, look at the rewards? I like my life. I am tired, and weary alot of the time, but its pretty cool...:wink:

Happy Birthday little man. May your day be full of happiness and good surprises. And we are gonna have fun at the party tonight!

Clutter

Okay, as i walk through my apartment today, looking for my keys, i realize, i am cluttermouse! OMG!!!!!!! there are stacks of paper everywhere. Now granted, i know where everything is, they are organized piles. But clutter! A description of the clutter? Do you really want to know? Cuz if you read my blog regularly, you know, the truth is gonna be blasted upon you. Paper ridden, toy splattered ugly piles of truth. Okay brave souls, off we go on the virtual tour of my cluttered apt.

To begin with, in my defense (wow, how fast does that mind go into self defense mode? Fasten your seat belts, g-force, the flight attendant is now serving your snack fast!), i do have a two year old son. Hence most piles of my clutter are on top of the surfaces above his head, tables, counter tops, and dressers. He is growing quickly. so hence the sudden interest in viewing my clutter, and working on its resolve. With that said, i move on to the description of the clutter...

You walk in the door to an unfinished cat lair/shelf holding things that are waiting to be thrown away. This is the area where items that don't stink, and are useless to me, sit and wait while i decide if i really want to part with them. Currently there is a baby gate, i am laughing at that. Baby Gate! geez, like i needed a gate in a one level apt. i never used it. But holding onto it. There are also some glasses that my mother gave me, because she is also one who hates to see things go to the trash. so instead i get alot of those gems...*rolls her eyes here*. If you live in the same town as your mother, does she tend to give you old items that she has replaced new ones with? its a strange thing for me. and leads to questioning of myself. ie: if i say no i don't want your garbage does that make me a bad daughter? anyway, the glasses are there. i was thinking of taking them to my work...and leaving them for some other poor soul.

Were walking...we are in the living room. not too bad! just about 3 months of magazines, the four i subscribe too, which makes quite a pile on the one flat surface next to the couch. which also holds my telephone book. Baby entertainment center. He seems to like Oprah to tear up the best...wonder what that means? And in the living room is the toy wagon. Now this little gem is a hold all for all the balls mommy bought in the quarter machine when she ate mexican food everyday for 4 months! Ha! that is actually a great thing. i love those bouncy gems. The wagon is always full of various items I trip over, say SHIT! and throw in there. Its a treasure chest. On to the kitchen table, in the extension of the living room. Like we could actually eat there....snicker, snicker. Lampshade the baby decided was too good for the lamp. A set of candles i should really give away. All my bills and weekly mail which i don't deal with until sunday morning. The catch all wooden tray containing pens, knives, matches, things the baby must not reach until he is 13 and really irresponsible. There is still room for two to eat there though, so i am not feeling guilty here.

We move onto the bedrooms. Okay the babies room is pretty clean. not much time spent in there except when he sleeps. But there are bags of stuff i have been meaning to give away, infant items that are just taking up room. Unfortunately they have become toys for the baby now, and are strewn about. tsk tsk. i picked that up today. And my bedroom. The sanctuary. the only room with a working TV. Reason? no cable. screw those bastigees. 70 a month for extended? KMWA! We watch movies and ocassionally have a late night snack in there. I have an old coffee table against the window for baby play area. just his height with a chair so he can scribble, stack his blocks, roll his bouncy ball collection, roll his miniature cars on, load and unload the halloween pumpkin that has all kinds of treasures in it as well. All that clutter is low level. Upper clutter? All the DVDs we watched that current week are on the dresser. Mommies Important papers and makeup are on the makeup table. The bedside table has baby lotion, box o tissues, current reading material, bubba keg of H2O, various mommy creams and other necessities. And more, you guessed it, music magazine subscriptions.

Okay. Have we done the Bathroom? You don't want to know! Actually the cleanest room in the whole house. you can see the surface, it is clean. and all uneccessary items have been removed. they all sigh with relief. she is finally done. But wait, the closet? dum dum dum...listen up. I am NOT going in there. You can't make me! Hold a gun to my head, and well maybe. If i could fold all my clothes in the dresser I wouldn't have to. Its messy. And i threw away 9 bags of clothes/shoes in February...YIKES!

Yea this tour is over. I am not a dirty person. Our clothes are clean, and things get scrubbed and bleached once a week, and alot of these things get thrown away on a weekly basis! Amazing how quickly it builds back up though. And with a kid, you got twice as much clutter. Send me a paid for Organizer woman! much needed...ah dreaming. its so nice!

So thats all i gotta say on that matter for now. I try to spend alot of time outside, or away from the clutter, only to come back and see it has gotten together with other clutter and reproduced ....more .... CLUTTER! Wish me luck as i sail throught the paper/toy/ knick knack/dvd/makeup/whatever else is lying around wilderness...its the good fight my friends. the good fight!

Blues

Monday roles around and i am blue again.
missing the weekend, hating my job.
i really have to get over this.
Everyone gets sick of working for a living...
I just wish i was somewhere else.
but would that be any different?
I would be blue there on Monday too.
but at least i would have decent scenery.

whiney fourty niney signing out.

My new family

Over the weekend, my life took me to sunny Pasadena CA. The meetup, mentioned in a previous post, with a group of friends I know intimately, but only via the internet. It was a life altering experience. In so many ways. What amazed me the most was how serendipidous this all became. Everything fell into place! From the moment Ditty and i left the apartment to get on the plane, to the moment we got out of her friends car who brought us home from the airport. My heart is full.

We landed in Pasadena, and i am with a new friend who traveled with me. All flights out successful. We decided to fly into Ontario. Cheaper and just as easy to get to. We have a car reserved. As i go to pay, they run a credit check. Ouch. that is not a good idea. Bad credit. Now in my small town, not an issue. they just deduct the amount, and then you are on your way. Nope SOL. Not Going to Panic. I questioned her until she came up with an alternative. She was very helpful. The guy finally arrives and gives us a ride to this car service. Now he doesn't speak English. or not much, and goes the back way to a warehouse district to this care rental place. Distrubing. Again i am Not Going to Panic. We get there and it looks kinda scary. But again, we are going to use anacronyms. NGP. He rents us a car no problem. at a good rate. We get in this car, it smells like ganga! I mean the guy must have put it out right before we got in it. Not bad. I can live with that! we are on our way to Pasadena!

Hungry. We get to our hotel. I am nervous! How will these people perceive me? what is going to happen? They are just as warm in person, if not more so. whew. relieved. The following days: We eat. We drink. We bond. Our first night was an excitable eatfest. A few friends go to the Mexican restaurant and then onto sushi. Were we waited outside, and smoked cigarettes and drank 40ozers waiting for our table for 45 minutes! Ouch. Too much sushi for me. Then onto the hotel, and off to the english pub. More drinking. laughing. Hugging. getting to know each other. Back to the hotel. I am up until wee hours with a couple of new friends. I finally crash out. at 2:30 am.

The next day is the Reinstock Party. We love the planet because we are on it in Pasadena. At a great party with 35 of our friends that have never met. There are momentos that remind us of each other. Bracelets made by one special gentleman. WWBD. And signature/statment cards by another. Bookmarks. Caps. Even an internet cafe of sorts to keep in touch with our internet friends that were unable to come. A web cam to capture the images of the evening! There was a bar-b-que maniac named Jack, and lots of others helping him. tables and tables of food. The mojitos/beers were cold and refreshing. Sparklers. And fine art. A rock violinist. Dancing beauties, and babies. I love babies. We dance to the music of Pasadenas finest. three unique bands. There are visions of space playing on an outdoor screen. With a brief sex ed show slipped in by some amusing person. And as the night goes dark, glow sticks and sparklers. The time slipped away. And before we knew it the evening had ended. We were all hanging on not wanting it to be over. Late night guitar playing and last minute pics. then the party was over. Back to the hotel. Worn out. Watching TV and sharing personal jokes from the two days we have shared.

Sunday we have a fabulous brunch, followed by a tearful goodbyes. We stand in the parking lot not believing it will be over in a few hours. I go back to the hotel, and pack up only to find my room had been paid for. GOD BLESS THAT ANGEL whomever you are. Anonymus. We move our things into another guests room and nap until we have our final dinner together, then off to our late flight home. We successfully return the car. And get a ride to the airport. Gamble a bit on our layover. Then the worst flight of the whole trip, a Sunday night red eye out of Vegas. Unless you have to, i do not suggest that flight.

What a wonderful time. What fabulous and interesting people. The kind of people you want on your side in any scrap/fight. The kind of people who change your life. I know that my heart is full of the wonderful souls that joined me in that special weekend. And for the gentleman who put it all together, Kris. Our lives are all changed because of you. Thanks from the bottom of my heart. Okay. thats what i have to say. This new family of mine is scattered. So i look forward to more meetups and more chances to get to know them. meet me for a drink at the bar in paradise.

;-)

Time

I need more time.
to Breathe
to be a mom
to do my job
to clean my home
to spend with my son,
to take care of my animals
to take care of myself
to listen to the people who care
to spend with my friends
to get further on my dreams
to do all that want to do.

and to give back to the world.

Exotic Places

I want you all to think of an exotic local, you are on your veranda eating your strawberries and drinking tea or coffee...Quick synopsis of where you are and what you are thinking. Mine to kick start.

As the sun peaks through the full length linen curtains, I roll out of bed unclothed. Look back in amazement. Put on the hotel provided plush terry cloth robe and walk to the veranda, where the remnants of last nights champagne and this mornings strawberries are waiting for me. As i pour myself a glass of warm tea...i look over the greek isles...Wow who knew i could move like that after all these years. What was his name again? oh my.

Getting Older

Since I have been living in the same town as my parents i have been spending alot of time with them. They are aging. My father just celebrated his 70th birthday. Wow. I am thinking about my life, and aging.

What i don't like about aging so far:
• Wrinkles...damn...no matter what you do, here they come.
• Fat, in areas you never expected. Like your neck! WTF? how do you get rid of fat around your neck? Although i am sure RONCO makes a product *from China* that could assist in firming this area.
• Fashion: things i could wear just 10 years ago, make me look like silly, or an old gal on the prowl...IOW not pretty.
• Music: Man i love love love punk music. Oh yea. But i can't listen to it at full volume anymore. nope. that is sad.
• Trends: Wish i could keep up! But no one could acuse me of not trying. I do the best i can, with a little help from my friends.
• Agility: Now don't get me wrong. i am spry...just not as postionable as i was 15 years ago...oh well. Not going to stop me from trying...sinister laugh here.
• MEMORY: as we know i already have issues with this. But. wait what was the point i was making? I mean, i can look at a phone number and two seconds later it is out of my head...i hate that.

this list could go on to include hairs in strange areas. Mumbling to myself at odd times. And wondering if i actually turned off the water after i left the house...

but enough of the suffering for now. feel free to enlighten me to some of the subtle inuendos of your observations. I would appreciate it! ;-)

Meeting the RPeeps.

I am not a daily blogger. Just don't have the time. But seems i woke up early today, so i thought i would jot down a few lines. Next week i am going to an event in Pasadena called Reinstock. Put on by a gentleman there. there will be music, food and friends i know but have not met. I am a bit nervous about meeting everyone, and still so excited in the same breath. They know more about me than alot of my other friends. That is a daunting prospect. To actually meet people after they know you. And yet i am comfortable about that aspect. At least I can be myself. As if I wouldn't. HA! As most of you can see, there is alot of me right here on these pages.

It is my first trip by myself that far away from my home that wasn't work/family related in years. I can't afford it, but I am going anyway! Yes I deserve a trip to relax, have fun, and get to know these like minded people I have developed relationships with via the internet. There will be pics and stories, not sure if they will appear here or not!

Weird that I am meeting people from the internet in the flesh? Taking my hard earned money and traveling a few states away to do it? NO WAY! These people have helped me answer personal questions about my issues, hugged me when I was being a baby, listened to me rant about my job, called me on the phone when I thought no one would ever care. I love them for the sheer fact their fingers type words I understand and find great humor in! Its sanity I tell you. And they can be sarcastic and snippy. But that's the nature of any relationship.

off to work: Later that same day...

I was reading a friends blog that was describing the same thing! I find that soothing. Anyway, I guess the point I am getting at is that many people see the internet as a potential for people to enter your life to do you harm. I see it as a networking tool. And a great source of information. And music. And people i would never have known if not for RP, the AU or the Blogs. They are special people to me. And i get to meet quite a few of them very soon. That is the best news of all. Have I mentioned how excited I am?

see you in the movies Reinstockees...

and to La Pea and Steph NFA, we are going to get together in Dallas soon to sit by L's pool and have a serious girls night in!

My old man...

My cat Calvin is approaching 17 years of age. And still in pretty good health! Just a little arthritis and some serious obsession with his caretaker. Yea that would be me. He is a soul that found me.

One night i was inbetween parties, and had gone home to change out of my work clothes. My ex was driving. Upon returning to my car, i hear a meow coming from under the car. this little yellow head pops out and looks at me with these big amber eyes. I was tipsy, Cute kittie! instant love...But could not have another animal. So we decide to throw him in the yard. He bolts back under the car. Again into the yard, then back under the car. This happens quite a few times. we decide to drive off, and toss him from there. As we drive away, he follows the car down the street. Guess who comes to live with us? One can of tuna later, i have a new cat.

I was going to call him Hobbes, but he looked and acted more like Calvin. Hence the name. He was a wild man. After living 6 months in the great outdoors he was undernourished, and frisky. He would eat Cantaloupe! My sister was living with me at the time. She comes home, bringing her man at the time. I hear her when she comes home, saying WE ARE NOT KEEPING THIS CAT! the next morning, he has totally seduced her and her man. So residence was established.

He would run across the apartment and jump up to the tops of the doors. When i lived with my fiance in a warehouse in dallas, he would climb the ladder, run across the air conditioning ducts then jump down onto the bed. It was a cycle. When i lived in a second story apartment, he would climb out of a 4" opening of a window and jump down onto the air conditioner unit downstairs. Freaked those poor people out. He has had both hips broken. that was a very scary day for me. He is completely healed and still jumping from my second story balcony to the stairs of my apartment building.

Now for the completion of my saga. The baby is a threat to my poor Calvin. He is so jealous, he wont even let the kid touch him . He growls or runs off. He has not hurt the child, and don't think he will. Calvin has been warned by me. in more ways that one. Not on a torturous evil abusive level, but he is aware of his limits in that area. And tolerates it. But he is a sneaky bastige. He tries to wake the baby from the nap. He is on me from the minute i get into the house, until the minute i leave. Sigh sigh sigh. I love this animal but this is starting to work me into a frenzy. Its obsessive. I have created this affection by spoiling this cat rotten. Now i have no time for him. And that makes me feel guilty!

So anyway. I wanted to get this out of my head. I may have to find a home for him. He still has a good 5 years in him. The only solution i see is to get a bigger apartment, so there is more room for us all. And get them a cat jungle gym so they have their own area to play in. Yep. i love this cat, but something has to give. Or i am going to split some brain cells like atoms. And then no one will get fed....ARGGGG!!!!!!

Not fit for human consumption.

I had this idea pop into my head while on a road trip. I have a mind that runs and runs, like a missile. in a direction that I am always trying to figure out. (My poor kid.) Hence my appt. at the damn doctors to finally get a prescription for Strattera. Whew. which will take me 3 months to get in even though I am already diagnosed with ADD...assholes. I hate doctors...for reasons like that. another blog another time...Okay see? thar she blows!!! Back to the thought on the platter. *rolls her eyes for effect.*

Not fit for human consumption. That describes my inability to handle communication. I always seem to be thinking one thing, and people are thinking another. And I end up having to disect my conversations, and explain why I say certain things. Now I have one friend that always gets what I am saying. But sometimes I don't get her either! Luckily we are both okay with this. And seeing as I have been without a partner for a year or two, this relating thing is becoming important to me! I want to be able to relate with people on a better level.

Now as i am writing and reading this I can see that at least one person "gets me". And I am not sure it stops there. I have a feeling alot of others understand me. But that is just the surface me. And if you asked my ex, he says, what you see is what you get! and that I have always been that way. And i guess for the most part he is right. I mean he still calls me when he wants to hear the truth about something. Because he knows that I won't lie to him about if something is going to work or not. I just say it. Even if it is in bad taste, or character. Thats just who I want to be. I am irrational at times, and therefore my truths are not always evident. But such are we all.

With that said, I am going to finally post this delicious account of my vast grey sponge. It has been sitting here for a week, and wondering if I should let out this much of the mem, but there it is. read it and feel grateful you are not living in my head. Its cyclone city up there, and although everyone loves a good storm, some days I would love a little piece and quiet. yea.

now as for my sis...no wait, she is just stressed...Ha!

love you R...*cuz I know you read this.* Can't wait to see you in September. We are going to have a grand time, and look fabulous doing it...YES!!!!

How Lame is that?

So today i had a topic all picked out and i can't remember what it was! Shit...that brain o mine is eating up my thoughts again. I blame my pregnancy. it took brain cells out.

So i have so totally slacked on my Weight Watchers plan the last two weeks. I have gained 4lbs back. that is not what i want. But i am not eating according to plan, or drinking enough water. So hence i am gaining the weight back. How do i come back to the self esteem issues over and over again? Battle number 54,324. Each day that i am alive seems that i struggle with self worth. Its getting old and boring. But i guess i don't see the good as much as i used to. And that seems to contribute to my eating habits. And so does summer. I am tooo tired and hot to clean, cook, shop, or do anything extra~!

But today is a new day. and i am going to keep on trying. I know that i have to retrace some steps. But in order to get this bi**h back in shape, i am not going to beat myself up anymore for slipping just a little. I will accomplish what i set out to accomplish. I will just know there are bumps in the road, and pot holes that i will get sucked into. I have been in much worse spots than this. But i will continue on. And i will eventually win. oh yes.

Because i am good enough, I am smart enough, and dog gonnit, people like me...thanks stuart s.

okay, are you convinced? i am for now...HA! could you pass the sugar free desert?

Center Texas

Yes friends this is a picture I took in East Texas. For those of you who have the image of cactus and tumbleweeds, think west west west Texas. This place is beautiful! No wonder the Sasquatch have chosen it to hide in! This 4th of July weekend I spent with college friends of mine. The couple who live there arranged an impromptu get together live just outside of Nacagdoches. A group of us, mostly Texans, parents and kids, gathered in this town to eat, drink, fish, barbecue, lay out by the pool, relive our foolish younger years, talk about being parents while watching our kids shoot off various fireworks from the local stand. Relaxing.

The drive to my destination takes me through Nacagdoches which houses SFA, the college I attended for three years before going to the Art Institute and getting my degree. I had to take the obligatory drive down memory lane. Things always look slightly different than you imagine. Like the apartments I lived in when I did my first natural mind trip, they look a little different than I remember. Past the campus. Past the house I lived in with 4 girls and one guy! There are stories in that house. Like the neighbor who walked their cat on a LEASH! And the time we had a party, and a couple came out of the closet the next morning...etc. Now, off to my destination.

The town of Center has a Population of 5678. Now I had to look at that sign a couple of times. Did they make that one up? Somebody down at the DOT said, well, lets just do it and see if anybody notices? Shaaa...so its a small town. Got into town after following someone else's directions. Started having some beverages. We ate an appetizer dinner that night as we were talking so much about old times, and being parents no time to cook a meal. And yet the grill was lit, and wings were cooked, which begs the age old question, how many guys does it take to light charcoal? this day it was 5. Like cavemen. wish I would have had my camera at that moment. After that, it was the show of the local too expensive fireworks stand variety. Funny how when you become parents you worry about kids blowing their hands off, when all those years ago, you were the one trying to blow your hand off. My little son was hilarious. Whenever any thing popped he would shout, wow! and throw his hands in the air. He loves attention.

The next day was a long afternoon of golf and country club living. The pool water was very very cool! Yes, and a sunburn for me was inevitable. Another night of cooking and some various fireworks. By this time my little guy was exhausted. But mommy was enjoying listening to parenting stories, and more dissections of our mispent youth in Nacagdoches. We headed out to go to bed. Little man had gone so many miles in two days that he was worn out and couldn't go to sleep tired! Our last breakfast meal was melancholy with lots of hugs and last minute photo ops. And then we took off. With a promise to write, and have a get together next fourth of July at the Guadalupe river. Yes I love these people, and getting together every fourth of July with them would be fabulous! As we get older and lose touch with ourselves and our pasts, it is nice to have others around to remind us we once were young, and adventurous in a crazy carefree way. To those of you in this group who read this, know that you are special wonderful people. Thanks for letting me be a part of your world. I hope we remain in touch for years to come.

Fireworks & Deviled Eggs

Okay, its Independance Day weekend. Celebrating the good folks who fought off the british to give us land lots of land with the starry skies above. And i am thankful for that. We are lucky in so many ways to have these opportunities and options available to us. Now that doesn't make us better than the rest of the world. Far from it. But we aren't any less either. well, that discussion is for another day...(i can hear you sighing, whew.) So what does independance mean to you? Is it something we take for granted? I think I do. So what. its my privlage in this lifetime. And i am not selfish or self centered with it, so i don't feel guilty in enjoying it.

Fourth of July brings to mind fireworks for me. Sparklers, bottle rockets, smoke bombs, Huge downtown displays made of gunpowder and cardboard. Pyrotechnics. One of the most awesome and mezmorizing sights to see, close up or at a distance. LOVE IT! i think one of the best fireworks shows to date for me was in downtown Houston. They had a live concert with Jean Michael Jarre. He was playing as the fireworks went off. the sky was a bit cloudy so the effects were a cool colored haze! And not just fireworks, they had a light show happening as well. Houstonians will remember exactly of what i speak.

Another element of this holiday is the memories of late summer nights by the grill with friends and family waiting for it to get dark and the fireworks. The smell of burning meat and ears of corn. Drinking beer, now. Lawn chairs for the adults, kids in a frenzy of energy because something different was happening. And there are explosives their parents let them have. Good times. Almost always.

So in commemoration of this holiday, a "gosh aren't you all great people for working so cheaply for us so we are going to feed you some meat" luncheon is being held at my office. As stated, they are only providing the meat. We provide the rest. The sign up list has mostly desserts on it! go figure. None of these good people are on WW. So I decided to bring cole slaw, and deviled eggs. I, as an adult, really like deviled eggs. (A hint about making good deviled eggs. Add a dash of fresh horseradish. My secret ingredient.) So needless to say that after noon, not much is going to be accomplished in my office. And my weekend is booked. Off to see some old "stoner" college friends. All older with children, many of whom I have not seen since then. Humbling, and yet fun! and they get to meet my little man. I will be the only single mother there. Why do i always have to be the freak? Cest la vie.

enjoy the fireworks people! and eat eat eat. Be safe, see you on the other side. ;-)

Blogging...the new corked bottle in the ocean.

So i have only been doing this not so little something since May. I started blogging to placate my mental diarrhea. Seems that I am not the only one! OH MY! the internet holds a vast network of emotions, visions, and pontifications. Some astounding. some silly, some by famous writers, but most are people like me. Lives held in the balance, paycheck to paycheck, watching the world through eyes that take in the everyday. And live to tell about it.

I have been allowed to examine the minds of many peoples across the world in a matter of a few weeks. I am wondering about the statistics. I mean, how many people are linked to each others blogs? On one London sight, there were 100 links to london bloggers alone. Now that is a fraction of that areas population! Can you imagine if all of them do have a blog, gosh! There are more words on the internet right now than...man, my mind is reeling. And you can come across the so many ideas on blogs. Lists of questions. Lists of personal statistics. Stories of laundromat hell (thanks for that vision i will never forget blog king jas.) of love, lust, investigation, dolls on world travels, angst, scientific stats, engineering, music, food, movies, cats, lots of humor, you name it...ANYTHING...

To all my new blog buddies, thanks for sharing, and reading my slice of the internet. I know how many blogs i read so if you are taking time with mine, THANKS! To the bloggers i read, when i come and visit, i will always leave a note. It is just my way of sending that corked bottle out into the ocean and seeing what it brings back! Make it yours.

May your daily lives be filled with interesting perspectives, peace and a message from someone who "gets what you are saying"!

over and out to sea...