insecurity.
its killin my spirit. i have always been insecure. even as a wee lass. its time to take some inventory. K? k.
I AM A SINGLE MOM
check and double check. this is an overwhelming lifestyle. i don't know what i was thinking when i made the decision. its the right one. i am moving ahead nicely. but damn if i don't have days when all i want to do is run away. into anything with anyone. and that makes me feel inadequate. why don't i feel alive with this being at all times? i am rough on me.
I AM AN ARTIST
now i am not a great master. i am a graphic artist. i do catalogues, flyers, take pictures, some web work. I love to paint and don't do that right now. i feel lost there. i pull out the paper and paints. and end up making silly little drawings of hearts or fishes. now they are beautiful little pieces, but not as i used to do. Large canvases covered in globs of wonderous colors. under the hands of a passionate young woman who was tough as nails. and still soft in the middle. she is napping now. i must wake her.
I AM A WOMAN
oh yea. we all know that by now. after the birds and bees entry. no doubt about it. proud to be most days. sure doesnt help in the salary game though. and that really pisses me off. there are advantages though and disadvantages to all the aspects of either sex. One beauty of being a woman besides the baby thing, is that we are stronger than men. much stronger emotionally. i find that comforting seeing as i am a mess right now. i couldn't imagine having to go through this being a man. no way!
I AM ALONE
in a sense we all are. but being alone is tough too. no kind words at the end of the day. No hugs before sleeping. or sweet kisses. it is starting to put evil faces in my dreams. scary dark places my subconcious is going i refuse to follow. hence i don't sleep much. and that makes the self doubt thing even worse.
okay so here are the mind talk moments.
(definition of mind talk: things your mind tells you that just drag you down. and aren't true.)
i will never be a good mother.
i am not a talented artist.
i am just a woman.
i am not enough for anyone to love.
the mind plays tricks on us people. i am working on not buying into that whole game it wants to trick me with. i am the keeper of this flame and must keep the light during the raging storms of doubt and evil faces. Wish me luck people. i have long haul still, and am growing weak. powers that be, send me some reinforcements. i need water. desparately need water. and love.
I AM A SINGLE MOM
check and double check. this is an overwhelming lifestyle. i don't know what i was thinking when i made the decision. its the right one. i am moving ahead nicely. but damn if i don't have days when all i want to do is run away. into anything with anyone. and that makes me feel inadequate. why don't i feel alive with this being at all times? i am rough on me.
I AM AN ARTIST
now i am not a great master. i am a graphic artist. i do catalogues, flyers, take pictures, some web work. I love to paint and don't do that right now. i feel lost there. i pull out the paper and paints. and end up making silly little drawings of hearts or fishes. now they are beautiful little pieces, but not as i used to do. Large canvases covered in globs of wonderous colors. under the hands of a passionate young woman who was tough as nails. and still soft in the middle. she is napping now. i must wake her.
I AM A WOMAN
oh yea. we all know that by now. after the birds and bees entry. no doubt about it. proud to be most days. sure doesnt help in the salary game though. and that really pisses me off. there are advantages though and disadvantages to all the aspects of either sex. One beauty of being a woman besides the baby thing, is that we are stronger than men. much stronger emotionally. i find that comforting seeing as i am a mess right now. i couldn't imagine having to go through this being a man. no way!
I AM ALONE
in a sense we all are. but being alone is tough too. no kind words at the end of the day. No hugs before sleeping. or sweet kisses. it is starting to put evil faces in my dreams. scary dark places my subconcious is going i refuse to follow. hence i don't sleep much. and that makes the self doubt thing even worse.
okay so here are the mind talk moments.
(definition of mind talk: things your mind tells you that just drag you down. and aren't true.)
i will never be a good mother.
i am not a talented artist.
i am just a woman.
i am not enough for anyone to love.
the mind plays tricks on us people. i am working on not buying into that whole game it wants to trick me with. i am the keeper of this flame and must keep the light during the raging storms of doubt and evil faces. Wish me luck people. i have long haul still, and am growing weak. powers that be, send me some reinforcements. i need water. desparately need water. and love.
Comments
I hope you find everything you seek. I'm glad you are a member of the "RP family." You really aren't alone, okay?
Many hugs and much love.
Oh, and here's a glass of water, too.
Insecurity is so crippling, I often wonder what I would have accomplished so far without it.
Okay, kidding. But really, I do. I'm surrounded by it, salty and wide and filled with orca and salmon.
Sweetie, your life is both in flux and in limbo at the same time. You probably feel like you're going crazy. Short trip, but still...know that you'll come out of this dip, and probably pretty soon, and with more confidence than ever.
Sounds pretty much like my entry for today...
You are indeed - a mother (and a loving one, which is so special), an artist (able to create from feeling), a woman (strong and emotive)
And though you feel it - and that is not to be discounted or placated - you are not alone.
You're right to ignore the mind talk. And to keep on... through that, and through all that you are, and all that you are not - you'll be loved. As you are now: by the sprout and many friends. And as you hope to be: by a man who'll be gifted and graced by all that you are, all that you will be, by you.