Being Myself
I am concerned that being myself isn't going to work. For my son, for me, for the world. Now i know, you are all groaning at that statment. Here she goes again. Poor Poor memsahib. Blah Blah Blah.
I don't feel sorry for myself. Quite the contrary. I am one of the luckiest people i know. I have talent. I am wise in a street weary sense. And in an educated sense. what I worry about is finding someone that is at the same level, or equivilant. I worry that the time i spend with people will be wasted and dropped into a pit. never to return. I hate days like this when i feel so inadequate and underappreciated. It makes no sense to feel this way. I am alive. I am joyous in my love for humanity. And i am blessed.
There comes a time when i need to stop thinking and my brain wont stop. It just runs and runs. do i need to stop it? maybe another reason men shy away from me. they may have to actually think when they are around me. I do have my priorities. You gotta be able to keep up. halfway. I mean if you don't, i am definitely going to piss you off. my mind is like a train. it goes on for miles, creating as it steps at rapid paces. I wish i could keep up with it. i can hear you now... have you tried meditation?
What? meditation? that means i would have to stop thinking! That has been an impossibility since i was five years old. Who is with me on the freedom train? Who can take the heat? Who is up for the challange? there is nothing we can't do people. Fear, holding me down. Fear that you wont understand me. Fear that i am doing this wrong. Fear that if i say one more word i am going to want to cut my tongue off. Fear that love will always shy away from me because of this thing that rules my words. Not my feelings people, my words.
Hermitage. That is what i need. To sit alone, and be free of the burden of purpose. but even then, you think the grey matter takes a break!? HA! Make me an channel, dear universe. To fill the air with beautiful sounds. and heavenly music. Make that way clear for me to travel. Ride with me people. Who else can i trust but you? And when you doubt me because of such a trite and fleeting thing as words, you deserve the mistrust you have in your own lives. Dont follow the path of a self proclaimed doubter such as myself. BE UNIQUE! BE STRONG! BE YOURSELVES!
"I am an old woman named after my mother
My old man is another child that’s grown old
If dreams were thunder, lightning was desire
This old house would have burnt down a long time ago
Make me an angel that flies from montgom’ry
Make me a poster of an old rodeo
Just give me one thing that I can hold on to
To believe in this living is just a hard way to go"
Everyday. Everyday. Every freakin DAY! Make me believe. I gotta stop doing this so late at night! :lol:
I don't feel sorry for myself. Quite the contrary. I am one of the luckiest people i know. I have talent. I am wise in a street weary sense. And in an educated sense. what I worry about is finding someone that is at the same level, or equivilant. I worry that the time i spend with people will be wasted and dropped into a pit. never to return. I hate days like this when i feel so inadequate and underappreciated. It makes no sense to feel this way. I am alive. I am joyous in my love for humanity. And i am blessed.
There comes a time when i need to stop thinking and my brain wont stop. It just runs and runs. do i need to stop it? maybe another reason men shy away from me. they may have to actually think when they are around me. I do have my priorities. You gotta be able to keep up. halfway. I mean if you don't, i am definitely going to piss you off. my mind is like a train. it goes on for miles, creating as it steps at rapid paces. I wish i could keep up with it. i can hear you now... have you tried meditation?
What? meditation? that means i would have to stop thinking! That has been an impossibility since i was five years old. Who is with me on the freedom train? Who can take the heat? Who is up for the challange? there is nothing we can't do people. Fear, holding me down. Fear that you wont understand me. Fear that i am doing this wrong. Fear that if i say one more word i am going to want to cut my tongue off. Fear that love will always shy away from me because of this thing that rules my words. Not my feelings people, my words.
Hermitage. That is what i need. To sit alone, and be free of the burden of purpose. but even then, you think the grey matter takes a break!? HA! Make me an channel, dear universe. To fill the air with beautiful sounds. and heavenly music. Make that way clear for me to travel. Ride with me people. Who else can i trust but you? And when you doubt me because of such a trite and fleeting thing as words, you deserve the mistrust you have in your own lives. Dont follow the path of a self proclaimed doubter such as myself. BE UNIQUE! BE STRONG! BE YOURSELVES!
"I am an old woman named after my mother
My old man is another child that’s grown old
If dreams were thunder, lightning was desire
This old house would have burnt down a long time ago
Make me an angel that flies from montgom’ry
Make me a poster of an old rodeo
Just give me one thing that I can hold on to
To believe in this living is just a hard way to go"
Everyday. Everyday. Every freakin DAY! Make me believe. I gotta stop doing this so late at night! :lol:
Comments
Personally, I've been struggling with dating...nobody wants me here...and I keep feeling the same way you express here. I go on a date with these losers and they're emotionally absent, intellectually stultified, and I sit wondering if the love I want and need is a reality or just some stupid fantasy that's not a possibility.
I also keep wanting to make the world all go away so that I can sit and figure the whole thing out. But when I finally do get time away from the kids and try to sit...my mind races a million miles a minute and it feels intolerable.
What I really want....is somebody to be with me in my mind. I'm lonely in here. I want to continue to be me...but with people who are up to the challenge. Because I'm tired of dumbing down and accommodating the rest of the world. I'm sick of the lack of content and depth that is required to have relationships with others.
Is that what you're saying?
Rereading my comment, it makes it sound like I have never known the loneliness or frustration you express so eloquently because I have been blessed in love. That is not the case at all. You beautifully express what I consider to be a universal truth of the human condition - experienced uniquely by you through a particular situation but felt by all of us at one time or another through a wide variety of circumstances. Your gift for communicating - and your fearless willingness to express yourself - allows all of us blessed enough to read your words to feel not so alone. We realize that we are not alone in feeling the way that we do, even if our circumstances are unique. Thank you!
Edie,
What can i say. You always make me realize why i do this. I am unafraid of my feelings, or what people will say about them. They always say what they want anyway, whether its based in reality or not. you are the coolest. Miss you! :hug:
I guess all I can do is keep trying until someone absolutely LOVES that about me on a consistent basis. Who, perhaps, shares those qualities as well.